Self Imposed Dress-Codes

I accidentally created a psychiatrist appointment dress code for myself

that I genuinely think I cannot break at this point.

It first started happening in 9th grade when I realized whenever I had my nails on a receptionist would always comment on them, and sometimes even the psychiatrist themself. I can’t decide how ridiculous it is that I began to dress up as a version of myself that doctors would deem normal. Not that the concept or the act of wanting to look put together in front of a mental health professional is ridiculous, that makes perfect sense, but what was ridiculous was my weird and nitpicky way I decided was the most important thing to show. 

I would sit on the awful pleather couch across from my psychiatrist, trying to arrange my legs in a casual but composed way (which I decided was knees not quite touching and feet together on the floor) and try to convey with my eyes that I was wearing matching socks and also I am the type of person that totally normally does that on a day to day basis.

Getting ready on appointment days I apply my mascara first so that when I go to apply eyeliner I have to apply it in small and thin strokes to avoid covering my fingers in half-dried mascara. That way my eyeliner is expressive but not a deeper indicator of underlying mental health issues. I made up the diagram of “doctor's office acceptable eyeliner” in my head. The x-axis is the amount of eyeliner used and the y-axis is perceived mental well being from medical professionals.

I’m wondering if I plant the seeds of this measurable concept here that eventually it will reach the world of medical professionals so that they will notice how cool and stable I appear based off of eyeliner, and matching socks, and at least one item of color in my wardrobe, and all of my nails glued on while I’m sweating all over their pleather furniture.