I Love My Moms Cooking, I Hate Food

(Testing out my writing skills for School!! NOT A VENT)

I was 10 when I realized I was overweight, I didn't think much of it until the first day of school since the pandemic. EVERYONE was skinny, I felt embarassed that I was so huge compared to the other kids, My mom always treated me like I was pretty, then I saw all these beautiful girls, I was so envious of them, Why are they skinny and i'm not? whats wrong with me? Of course some people joked and tease about my weight, or how big I am. I felt my self-esteem lessen by that point, there was this period of my pre-pubescent life that I actually starved myself, alas that only lasted for a day. I hated myself so much at how I only lasted for 1 day, "Why cant I be skinny??" "Why Am I so huge?" "I hate myself." All of those thoughts have never left my head to this day.

              So im at 55kg and 5'2 at 14, but i'm still viewed at as fat by myself, and many others.

Last Month. My mom made my favorite food, MacNCheese, I was gonna come over and steal a taste, then I remembered that it has carbs, it has calories. I was debating with myself about whether I should eat, but I just went to the up stairs bathroom and cried, remembering all the times my peers called me fat. I cried and cried, asking myself, "No one likes you." "Gross, are you a whale?" I hate being heavier than someone, I hate being a size M. but my mom started to get suspicious so I wiped my tears, hid my red eyes and ate. I ATE. I regretted every. single. bite. afterwards I went upstairs and looked in the mirror in disgust of how huge I still am, I've tried EVERYTHING,  starvation, self-induced puking, calorie deficit, regular exercise. But I just gave up in a few days. It smells so good whenever my mom cooks food, I wish I could just eat guilt-free. I always throw away the food she cooks for me school lunch, whenever I dont I tell myself "This is why you're fat, its disgusting, you're pathetic." I know its not healthy for my body and my mind. But i'm not willing to change.

3 weeks ago. In class someone made fun of how big I am again, I cried that very night. then my mom made pancakes with Nutella, I puked right after I ate. "God my waist is huge." I said to myself in the mirror. My mom made, dinner. it was so good and then I ate 3 laxatives that night.