night time thoughts

It's my bed time (8 pm) and even though I already wrote in my diary I still have more thoughts floating around in my head. Plus it's interesting thinking that random people might read this, plus my two irl friends I have on here. 

Today I stayed home from school again saying I was sick. I'm rarely ever sick when i say i am to miss school. i just hate it there so much. It's not like I'm bad at it I'm actually really smart when it comes to it. I can tell almost everybody in my life is disappointed in me for not living up to my potential, but to be fr that shit is hard. Today my grandpa called me to tell me I need to get my shit together , and he never swears so that's alarming. I know everyone is just trying to motivate me to do better but their words just make me think more negatively about myself and depress me more. It's so stupid and I just need to grow up but why is it so difficult to do that? I just want to be good but it's so difficult. Being a good daughter, granddaughter, friend, girlfriend, and student takes a shit ton of energy, and it's energy I don't have. I hope someone relates to how I'm feeling.

 I'm missing school again tomorrow but I'm going to try to spend it doing homework and self care. Making myself better in general. 

I'm gonna go watch youtube videos of pretty girls living the life I one day will.

goodnight