my mediocre revelation

01/21/25

today was a decent day at school. i liked my outfit, and the work was easy. it usually always is-- whenever I stress over it it is not because it's difficult, but because it can easily be so incessant!! i actually hide it from myself, I don't think I'll ever admit it out loud, but a majority of the time I enjoy doing schoolwork. it makes me feel productive. for example, I LOVE writing essays. even more so when the essay must be about something I happen to be interested in. 

anyway, I digress because I could literally go on and on, and it would turn into nonsense. I just want to hit the main point of my school day.

so! 

in math, I've been having trouble with the unit we've been working on for the past week or so. everyone else got it--especially my table of friends...or acquaintances ..it was sucky, especially because while we talking about whatever we were going on about, they were gliding through the work so effortlessly and I was so stuck. i had to pretend the reason for my slow work was because I was caught up in emailing back and forth with one of my teachers who accused me of using AI to write a paragraph (this is partially true--what is untrue though, is that it accounted for me not doing any of the worksheet the entirety of class, it was one email from both my teacher and I, and in those two emails my grade was fixed and she apologized for chalking up my writing as inauthentic. the accusation of me using chatGPT, or any AI at all to forge an essay hurt my heart, and I made that known in the email--word for word.)

ANYWAY! the end of class comes, and one friend is completely finished with the sheet, my other is halfway done, and she's known to be super smart so I held no doubt that she wouldn't finish it as soon as she got home, unless her house caught fire or something...that girl is always on top of her work. i talked and laughed with the two of them, hoping it would cover up my incomplete work, and any work done was nonsense, I couldn't understand it. i do want to note our conversation was very fulfilling and fun, I even received compliments during it?! that is not something that happens at all!!

 but during all of this, in the back of my mind, I hated that I felt in some way excluded due to me not being able to do the work. i also think I was very apparent in my discomfort at some points with my awkward blank stare at the paper, and incoherent, unconfident scribbles of what I did--and barely knew/understood. 

anyone most likely will ask why I simply didn't ask for help, from my friends, or from the teacher. I ask myself that question constantly too. maybe because I deal with anxiety, insecurities, or things of the like. just know, I do consult the teacher every once and a while, but even that spikes my anxiety, especially when she complains about growing stressed because of the students who don't understand the work. and consulting my peers for help might as well give me heart palpitations, they are the worst judgers and perceivers...BUT I DIGRESS!! (that saying resonates with me greatly I'm sorry) 

walking out of the class, I made a stroooong mental note to study when I got home to truly understand the material. as I actually did get very little bits and pieces of it. those were still hard to grasp though. so I could actually not worry about glances over at my nearly blank paper, and be involved in the mathematical talk as well!! 

and that I did! i just finished doing, actually. i can confidently say I understand what we're working on now. i finished the worksheet and even did some work ahead to ease future me. and in all this productivity, I realized what I refuse to say out loud...that I enjoyed the studying and doing work! when I don't...it's because I feel drowned in it. not because I dislike whatever material, but because it regularly piles up, and makes me fatigued. (is this not the cause with everyone, though?) does that make sense? I'm not sure. i hope so...to me it does, at least...

tl;dr (I think): today brought me a revelation...(insert the norman rockwell freedom of speech painting) I'm able to enjoy doing math? or just... schoolwork, and studying overall? also, accusing me of using AI to forge school work is tantamount to punching me in the gut several times.

side note: do I put this under the life category? or the school/college/uni one? i think life is fitting, and will be for any of my future entries because this is me talking about something that happened in my life, that just so happened to occur mostly at school...okay! that's all! consummatum est! (stolen from TSH...I'm not even religious...)