Blog 3: jealousy

WARNING: SOPPY RANT💀

As much as I hate to admit it, I’ve always been the jealous type. Mostly it’s jealousy of relationships. Being single is weird to me, considering I grew up being in a lot of relationships and felt very deeply abt things pretty young. 

This past year and a half has felt very lonely, not just from physically being single, but also seeing people around me be in love. Sometimes it’s not even that, sometimes I’m just jealous my friends can get it on when I can’t :/ one of my friends (won’t name obv) is absolutely drop dead gorgeous and literally gets whoever she wants. I’m not bashing her ofc, I’m super happy people reciprocate her whatever, I just can’t help but compare myself.

Recently my ex got with a girl I had a big crush on a few months prior (lol show life). It made me jealous and a little grossed out. Wasn’t because I miss my ex or even because I like either of them.. honestly, if we’re being shamefully transparent, I feel like I’m.. better? Than my ex?.. Idk that doesn’t sound how I want it to at all. Maybe it’s because she made me feel weird with how she’d treat me.. as if I were dumb. I mean ik I’m retarded but jesus fucking Christ don’t treat me like that in a relationship where we’re supposed to be equals yk. 

lol actually now that I’m typing this out I’ve realized I may be angrier about this than I thought, she used to do a lot of little things I couldn’t stand. 

Either way, this jealousy has made me kind of bitter, and scared to put myself out there. And why would I anyways lmao😭 ppl don’t rlly fw me in that way. I’m too big, too awkward, and not sexy in any capacity. Like I’m cool but I’m not desirable. And idk how to be. 

So lowkey I’m giving up👅 it is what it is, not gonna waste my brainpower on it anymore. I’m prob gonna die in a war anyway so I shouldn’t get my hopes up regardless. I’ll stick to my weed and my shows😍 thnx