update [1/21/25]

i've been gone for a while LOL not that many people will read these but still i'd like to keep some sort of habit of writing them. 

i'm in uni! first semester is over. i've done kind of shit but it's okay, i'll try again next semester. hopefully. 

i've made great friends. and i've kept in touch with the great friends i already had before. it's nice! and living alone is cool. the past few months have been so hectic and emotionally all over the place, i hope the spring is better. though i doubt it, cause i always get weird during spring. i can try, though. i should study more. 

my theatre course is great. it's so good, i haven't been doing shit because i don't like it cause i really do. i've just been... weird. i don't know. i've been in uni for three, four months and i feel like i've literally learned nothing. there is not a single thing that has gone through my brain i feel like it just won't work the way it's supposed to. i need to study. i'm in the middle of my exams right now. i skipped the first lesson because i just had nothing to write, but i'm going to the rest. i hope.

i think i just need to feel more in control. i don't know how to do that. i feel like it's about silly stuff, too, like no duh i don't wanna study instead of watching youtube and playing the sims and stuff. but i feel like i physically cannot do it. it's not like i put it off to do all that other stuff, it's more like i do the stuff to distract myself from the fact that i'm kind of doing nothing. if i had no choice but to study i still don't know if i would be able to get myself to do it. and it's shit cause i really do like what i'm studying. 

i don't know, i guess i'll figure it out. hopefully i'll come back on here soon, too. i think it does me good to type this stuff out. not just thoughts swimming around my brain anymore. kind of a more graspable problem. 

anyways, that's all for now. i hope i'll have more positive things to write soon.