Today sucks

My brain likes to trick me into thinking I’m faking my anxiety, i can go to concerts easily enough. Well with a few panic attacks, but i end up fine. 

At times it tries convincing me, mines not even that bad, and a lot of people have it much worse. 

But then times like today happens and it forces me into reality, into dissociation. Too much is happening I’m overwhelmed, and I don’t know what to do.

 My partners been in pain for the last few days, and finally decided to go to the doctors to see what’s happening. They told them, that he needs to go to A & E. trigger number one. 

See I’m already being selfish.

 She was scared of telling me the assumptions of the dr because they knew id freak out. We got on call with each other and I kept calm, and let them spill everything to me. I am so very worried about them, but unfortunately I wasn’t able to go with him, because her mum would be there. 

Not long after i heard a thud coming from downstairs, followed by the aching barks of the dogs. The barking isn’t unusual in this house. With two elderly dogs, and one of them with dementia, not to mention he fading eyesight. We never get a quiet moment. 

After a few seconds of listening I kept capturing a small cry, i swiftly got my socks on, and tailed the ongoing noise. I opened the living room door, to unveil my mum screaming on the floor, she fell of the treadmill. I immediately panicked, she couldn’t move, and was paralysed with pain, and tears. After an abundant of questions and begs to call the ambulance (off me) we were stuck in a revolving cycle of unanswered questions with her laying on the floor. Normally i would call my girlfriend to help, but she’s in the hospital. I messaged my best friend the situation instead, and she immediately came over, with her first aid knowledge. Perks of having  life guard friend. 

The whole time, my thoughts are spiralling an my breaths getting heavier ad heavier. I attempt to convince my mum to let me call the ambulance, but apart of me is glad she kept refusing. 

In the past, I’ve been a victim of endless jokes of not being able to call for help because of my anxiety, but I thought that when it came down to it, the adrenaline would force me to. 

Yet all I could think of, is how scared i was. How scared I was. Why am i like this?