why is everyone in love except me?

everyone is in a relationship these days, and it sucks, because why isn't it me?

but at the same time I don't want to be in a relationship cuz relationships fucking suck, but I want the intimacy, I want someone to do sick lovey dovey shit with, I want to feel like I'm in love.

I've never been in love and everyone around me always acts like its so strange, they talk about how their hearts have been broken and how they miss their exes, and I can never relate because I've never had a proper girlfriend or a boyfriend.

I'm 18 and I've never been in love, why is it so shocking?

i lost my virginity when I was 17 to this random guy I met on like a Tuesday night and we kept sleeping with each other until he popped up with a girlfriend.

when he got a girlfriend my friends told me sorry and looked at me a certain way like 'poor you' and that confused me. did they think I liked him?

he's the only guy I've ever slept with and apparently everyone thinks that means I'm in love with him and I cant move on, they say 'girls are normally obsessed with their first body' ????? who made that rule? 'i thought you liked him' I only fucked with him cuz he was convenient and men are all lowkey ugly. he was cute, he was easy, he didn't talk to me unnecessarily we only texted when it was time to fuck.

but everyone acts like its a sin for me not to be bothered by this fact?????

when something is casual I take it casual and detach all feelings and why are they so shocked that I have no feeling for him, is that weird?

I've never had a boyfriend cuz I'm very picky and boys irritate me to no end, I don't entertain them and frankly they're very boring so I lose interest and ghost.

I've never had a girlfriend because frankly girls don't approach me and I'm to scared to approach anyone, and that makes me sad because I would much rather prefer a girlfriend to a boyfriend.

another thing is, having a boyfriend or liking boys feels like a humiliation ritual, its so shameful and embarrassing, but I still like boys, I'm just very picky.

idek where I was going with this whole thing idk, but like I don't like people romantically, but I want to, and I know I'm not aromantic I'm sure of it, but why don't people see me and wanna be in a relationship w me? 

id like to think I'm not ugly, I'm actually very pretty when I try, my friends tell me I look mean and intimidating but I don't see it.

man.

i just want a partner lolz, someone to be gross with.