small town melancholy

For those that don't know, I'm a Puerto Rican who now lives in Nowheresville Michigan. Also for those that don't know, I'm an urbanist, this means I support the development of urban cities (dense, walkable, transit oriented, etc.) so living out here doesn't exactly make me joyful. It's honestly kind of a curse having the knowledge of how badly designed my city is and knowing I can't do anything about it. I've had so many shitty experiences where I keep thinking to myself "this wouldn't even be a problem if I was living in NYC, or Amsterdam, or Tokyo". Days where my car breaks down and I have to cancel my plans, or days where I'm just left without a car because other people from my house are using them. Things like this have happened to me more often than I think is acceptable, and every time they happen I have to wallow over how shitty it is that I have to deal with this only because of the dogshit infrastructure of my city.

On top of the infrastructure making my life inconvenient, the people in my small town just feel so fake. Ok I know that sounds a bit mean, and I don't want to sound over dramatic, so let me be clear that I have no ill with the people of my city. The people here are nice, but they're also so reserved, and this makes it hard for me to connect with anyone. I just don't feel like I'm having any real conversations with anyone, like everyone is too afraid to say what they're actually thinking. Even the alt people here feel like that. My theory is that, because the pool of potential friends is so small here, everyone here would rather be a fake version of themselves if it means they can hold more friends, as opposed to being themselves and potentially losing all their friends. That's my theory for why small towns often feel like the epitome of conformity.

But you know what? Despite these setbacks, I still try stay positive. My pool of friends here is small but it's not like I need to be friends with everyone in town to feel satisfied. I've found good friends, I've built a good life for myself, and despite how much I complained about the car-centric city planning, at least I have a car and I know how to drive. Small towns are boring, the people here do feel fake, and living here can sometimes feel like being in the Truman show. These towns are familiar, predictable, boring, they almost feel like non-places, like nothing really happens here, and that can make you feel like you're not really living your life. But there is something to appreciate about that boringness. Perhaps it's better to feel bored than to feel scared. Of all the feelings a place can make you feel, maybe "bored" isn't the worst one.

When I first moved in here, I did it with the intention of eventually moving away to a big city, like NYC, Boston, or Chicago, and that is still in my agenda, but because of that, for a long time after moving here I'd just been treating this place as like an annoying level in a video game that I'm trying to get through as quickly as possible... but I've learned over time that I should appreciate my time here. It's possible that I'll look back on these years and realize that they were actually the best years of my life.