What Remains Within...

Hi... I don’t know... This is my first blog post here, and I want to talk a bit about my feelings. Honestly, I don’t even know why I’m writing this... I’m not someone who expresses their feelings to others, not even to my closest ones. It’s like I’m wearing a different mask for everyone. I’m used to being alone, but I think everyone deserves to be noticed a little... I’m not blaming anyone, of course. After all, I’m the one pretending. But I learned a long time ago that the alternative didn’t help either...

The feelings inside me, the ones I can’t define... They’re boundless... Like time, like nothingness... like eternity. They’re indescribable with words. For many years, I’ve been lost in this growing "eternity" inside me... or maybe I chose this. Perhaps this wasn’t the right path, but it was the one I wanted to see. We pay the price for our choices, after all. My body (which I'm losing... as well...) is here, but "I" am not. I couldn’t embrace myself when I needed it, couldn’t love, couldn’t lift, couldn’t hold myself... And so I became a part of this eternity. I’m empty... I don’t belong anywhere. I always wanted to be invisible, for no one to see me... I succeeded. My material existence in this world is all there is. I feel so much, yet I feel nothing at all. I don’t even have a "God" to keep me distracted. All I can see is evil and cruelty. And the distractions we call happiness that keep us going...

I wish I could go on, distracting myself as well. It’s not like pain or anguish, it’s a deep and infinite emptiness that can never be filled. When it’s like this, what’s the point of it all, right? Heaven and hell... If they exist, isn’t burning a better option than being lost in this unknown darkness?