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I'm sure they are coming, I dont know if I will friend them all with this account, if I do.
For so long I have felt like I was screaming into a fucking void because I swear no one ever cared when I said like, anything? I am very social, bubbly person and I have a lot of friends but I actually don't fw like.. any of them? I mean I like them but not fundamentally, I could live without them I mean. I know the things I say, and the things I do can come off as jokes but I really feel like no one is ever there for me.
I realized this was making me sad only this past semester and so I tried to be more open with my feelings to my friends but I still feel like none of them /really/ care. and then when I figure that they don't I retract, make a joke, and the conversation shifts.
I constantly feel like I am a performer in front of everyone, and even worse (God I don't even want to say it) I feel like the therapist friend...
UGH. If you know me irl (which God I hope you do not) you would know I fucking HATE that term, like Jesus ur not the 'therapist friend' bc you comforted ur friend when their mom died, get OVER urself.
but lately I feel like I'm /always/ there for people, with my emotional intelligence that is unparalleled by the likes of this generation, but when I need help its always just some kind of joke that they have to offer, or nothing at all.
I'm a smart girl(?) I can regulate and rationalize my own feelings, I'm not suicidal because I'm too scared of death, and honestly I don't think anyone really /could/ help me as much as I do myself.
I just wish someone was there.
p.s it literally doesn't help that less that 2 wks ago I performed a personal statement in front of so many of my friends that was LITERALLY ABOUT HOW I DONT FEEL HEARD and nothing. has. changed.
p.p.s sorry if I sound narcissistic but srsly, I've been at this game for a longggg time I'm a pro at the inner workings of the human mind.
#firstvent
#notthelast
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⛧ Raven Cryptid ☾
I feel like I could have absolutely written this, you mentioned semester so it's safe to assume you're school aged with college at the latest and depending which school age you are this is absolutely a growing pain. People during a certain age range are changing rapidly and so wrapped up in themselves because of these drastic changes that they aren't exactly capable of the level of energy and empathy you crave. This also could be a mismatch of expectations if you're in the college range as once you break out of the main school ranges and enter the adult ranges, people get busy with life where as during school you have so much more free time. I also recommend you maybe take a look into Bipolar 2 or Borderline, I am not a therapist at all, but if you feel any resonance then maybe journal about it and present your concerns to an actual therapist. I do not know where you are but there are often resources for seeking mental care that could absolutely lift some of that weight. I'm in my late 20's and I've lived exactly what you've typed.