Lucky 13

Well, 

I took a pregnancy test on Monday the 13th and it was positive. I’m about 4 weeks. C was over the moon about it, I think. He at least seemed happy to my face. I think under the surface he is scared, but I’m not sure. My first son was born in the 13th, so I guess it’s lucky for me in some ways.

This might be my second child, but again, my instincts are to just run. Just like when I was pregnant with my first. I love C more than anything, but tonight the AirTag on his keys showed him at an apartment across the street. He’s got two iPhones in his house, my AirTag wasn’t wrong. I snapped him and it said he was active but he totally ignored me. It’s 4:40am on 1/20 and I’m still awake. Still haven’t heard from him. 

He doesn’t want to live together until P is out of my life completely. I respect that, but at the same time I think he is just kicking the can down the road. I don’t know if he actually wants to live with me. He’s had a second bedroom for about 6 months but hasn’t made a move to live with me, then wanted Isiah’s little side chick to take the second room until I told him he can do it but I’m out as far as having a baby. 

Two weeks ago I felt so secure. Now, not so much. I think knowing that he cheated on T, and then also that he was talking with N while he was still with T, and even was talking with me while he was still with T… he’s a chronic cheater. How long until he’s all over someone else while I’m taking care of his child??? I feel like my only option is to just move out on my own and be a single mom. I don’t feel like much and I don’t want to build a life around him only to get cheated on and have him leave me. He’s got all these weird reservations. He keeps saying that he will take care of the baby even if “we” don’t work out. I haven’t been able to get him off since I told him I was pregnant. Apparently he’s been getting off “on his own” though. 

I’m stuck in this state with joint custody for my first son, so I can’t move home. With this child, if it all ends up healthy, I’ll be stuck too unfortunately. I need to finalize some paperwork with P, then look for my own place. I wanted to live with C so bad, but I’m just starting to get the feeling that he doesn’t actually want to live with me. I mean, if I’m pregnant and he doesn’t want me over or staying the night… doesn’t want my first son around… I’m basically just an incubator. A big, dumb, fat, incubator. That’s just how I feel right now. Ughhhh…I’m fully aware that mistakes have been made. I just have to do the best I can for my kids though. P is a piece of shit who practically shook my first son right in front of me. I think C will be a better father, but I rushed into things because I was on a lot of medication and feeling really well. Now that I’m not on any of my psych meds, I’m coming to terms with the fact that this was not responsible at all. It doesn’t mean that I can’t recover and become more responsible and be a good Mom to my children though. That’s all I really need to be focused on.