Watching the sun set through a cafeteria window

Yo.

Today's been kind of... funky. Nothing bad has really happened to me, but I just feel absolutely horrible. I think I've probably cried about twice today and my room mates keep asking me if I'm okay. I just nod my head and tell them I'm fine. I think my loneliness is starting to get to me a bit, as well as maybe the weather. Disregarding the whole TikTok drama, I saw this really cute couple on there that I just couldn't help but watch their videos over and over again. Genuinely they're so damn cute, and seeing them laugh and smile with each other made me somewhat smile myself. But, of course, after I turn my phone off, I feel like those memed on doomer stereotypes with the eyebags, black beanie, cigarette, and just general "sag of life" on their face. I was able to go get dinner early (almost exactly when the place opened) and got a secluded spot in the corner so I could see my favorite view of the nearby lake & sky. I ended up sitting there for an hour, listening to music, and just dissociating. I do this a lot more than I'd like to admit, and I don't really know why. Sometimes I feel like I'm waiting on someone to come sit with me & talk with me, but I honestly couldn't tell you who. When I try to consider the 'who' portion, part of me just wishes it would be anyone or everyone. There's been so many times where I've walked through the cafeteria after sitting there for a while and I'll see people I consider friends sitting by themselves on their phones. Instantly and always I feel the urge to ask why they didn't come sit with me, why didn't they even come say hi? But I mean... its not right of me to push my expectations nor wants on them, they're only human like me after all. I think the hardest part about that whole scenario is meeting eyes with others that I know whom are sitting with their chosen company. They give me such a look of alienation that I can only not help but to feel sad and isolated. I say this, but then I feel like I created my own confinement. However... I trade reality for fake sobriety, and I find pride and triumph in that. I think I'll take my wisdom over false idleness on any occasion. But, who knows. I sit on the same side of the cafeteria at the same times each day, so maybe one day someone will notice and work up the courage to keep me company. Another problem I feel is my writing. On a nightly basis, I try to write for an allocated group of people, spreading what I aim to be messages of positivity and general words of advice. But I think recently its started to occur to me that I'm essentially talking to a brick wall. No body has the time or patience to read what I have to say, and quite frankly that realization is a bit damning. I know its selfish to believe, but I truly feel isolated and vacuumed outside of society. I do not fit in, it feels like, with the normal flow of the human race. In some respect, I'm an enigma amongst the average. I worded this in my head earlier as "The shackles around my wrists are heavier than all those around me", to which I had to add context to myself that this is not intended as putting myself above others, rather they are above me and I wish I could join them. I made a visual of my position in life as the following; "Its like your driving home in your shitty beat up truck with the windows down and through the country backroads with all the fields of corn and maize, and the sun is gently and softly setting with quiet radio playing in the background. You know you're headed home, but you know once you get home, the sun will be gone and only night will remain. So you decide to drive for a little bit longer and enjoy the kind but fading light of the iridescent sunset". But- I guess I should probably stop with my crazy rambles. Have a quote from one of my favorite movies to end off;

"A Hearts A Heavy Burden"
Arrivederci. 

Band / song I've been having on loop (Spotify link embedded)