I shaved recently (life update)

Entry 39

I post not as much as I’d like to here, but I shaved recently the little scruff I had, I don’t like the stubble feeling. I recently graduated early, I’m 17 and I feel like I’m stuck. It’s been ever confusing my life leading to this. At one point I considered not graduating, and ultimately not living. I decided against my undoing ultimately. I am very lonely these days, my now closest friend is sometimes a bit snippy with me and it worries me. He was at once a very mean potential love interest, but as time saw fit nothing became of such things. He is good friend and very strong, but I do worry for his weak heart. As much as I wish to become closer I’m afraid of falling into codependency like previous times. We both had talked about this and we are trying to avoid such a thing from occurring. I cannot afford more loss in my life. On brighter news I’ve been talking to a sweet lady, I caught feelings for her during what felt like a moment of clarity in this emotional frustration. For a while I was very easily agitated and due to myself not wanting to wig out on others I kept it to myself but my frustration and anger is very visible in my body language. Occasionally the but of a joke myself was made and it caused more frustration, but she listened to me. She’s nice but sadly I’m a mistress in this regard. I am a home wrecker, and yes I’m aware very bad very distasteful. But I’d rather look out for myself even if selfish. I do feel somewhat ashamed. But even this might not last, truth be told I have little left for me here in the small place I live in. I’m considering moving back to my home city of Los Angeles. Perhaps I should never have left there to begin with, but that is a story for another time. Currently I feel very cold and lonely, granted I blame myself for many of my current situations but ultimately I am human and I feel regardless of logic as foolish and folly as it may be. Tonight in my dreams I wish not to be disturbed by visions of past coming to haunt me. It will be okay.

ENTRY 39 COMPLETE