fighting depression!!!

this is a rant about my story with depression. tw depression (duh!!!!), sh, self exciting thoughts, antidepressants (regular use)

i'm going to start talking a guy i met ln twitter when i was around 15 ( booooo i hate him 🍅🍅🍅🍅). he was 17, nonbinary, uses any pronouns, but i'm going to use he/him because that's what i used to do when we were friends. he had depression and did sh a lot. we had a really good relationship and became best friends, but we were soo sad and depressed all the time. literally ALL the time. i was going thru bullying at school, and the people who were bullying me used to be my best friends (this is another story tho that i don't really feel like talking about because it hurts me even almost 3 years later), so i thing this mix of betrayal and loneliness may have caused my depression. so, this guy was the only person with me. i started depending on him so bad and i loved him sooo so much. he made me feel so special filling me with love and i loved that. but there were times he was so detailed about his sh stuff, telling me how he did that kind of stuff, talking about his scars, and so much details (never sent me images btw). our relationship became so toxic and i feel that whe depended on each other, but, this is not a post about this dummy, it's about my depression. so, the point is, that this guy i loved so much was doing sh and was really open about it, so I THINK that influenced me into doing that (as in doing sh, not having depression). so i started doing it and started being on THOSE twitter communities. i'm so ashamed of that tbh and i'm happy i'm not on that kind of communities anymore. i started doing sh and my parents lately askmed me if i was doing it and i said the truth. so, they supported me, helped me, and also took away all the pencil sharpeners i had 😭😭 after some months of searching, my mom found a therapist for me. after some time the therapist decided that i had to see a psychiatrist, because, even i was working really hard and kind of doing better, it felt like my brain just didn't let me feel happiness. so, the psychiatrist prescribed some pills for me (sertraline) and i started with low dosis until 50mg. after some time i started feeling like if i was in airplane mode, like, literally an npc, and changed that pill to escitalopram 10mg. best dessicion 🙏🙏🙏 it literally helped me sooo much. that fucking pill changed me so much, i feel like... 85% like i was before (wich is a lot because i changed so fucking much)

so, i have to say. the things that happened around me caused this and changed me so much, but even in those times i knew it wasn't the end. in all my short life, i was unhappier than ever, but i knew i wouldn't kms. i was thiking about kms ALL the time, bedrotting and just thinking about "the way i should do it", but waay deep inside me, i knew this wasn't my end. i knew i had more life tho have. maybe not my desidered one, i mean, i'm not f*cking rich (which i would love), but still alive anyway. and, while i was recovering from the sh, i though (while showering, yes i remember): "and what if life has no meaning?? maybe the point in life is just being pointless. if what if all that happened to me was stupid and unfair?? just because of that we all should off ourselves?? f*cking not. i wanna still be alive even if nothing makes sense and everythings st*pid". i think that thought i had while showering was what saved me. ofc my family and thrapists too, i know, but i also think that if my family supported me and therapists helped, but i didn't thought that way, maybe i would still feel that way, negative and sad.

so yeah, i think we should all hate life and rebel against it by continuing to live. i think the best rebellion when faced with the thought "wow, life sucks and makes no sense," is to keep living