vent

I dont want to feel this sadness and anger that im filled with anymore. Nothing ever makes me happy or excited. I never have anything positive to say anymore im just filled with hatred and anger.  Everyday i wake up its the same heavy feeling in my chest and everyday is just a constant loop. I just lay in my bed on my phone all day, barely eat and just sleep, and do the same thing the next day. I have nothing to look forward too. I want to go out and do stuff but everytime i do i just complain and want to go home. I'm such a burden to my parents, i make their life hell. I always give them attitude and being rude to them but i dont mean too. Im not doing well in school, i stay in my room all day, dont put in any effort with anything that i do, have no friends or social life and i know they're so disappointed in me. I ruin every relationship and friendship because im so bored with my pathetic life that i need to feel something. I know im depressed but i know i wont do anything about it or talk to anyone about it. Even if i do talk to my only friend about it she just jokes about it and tells me to off myself 24/7. I would but i dont have the guts to go through with it. Everytime someone reaches out i always decline the help that im offered because im just going to sound so corny and i dont even know how to put whats going on in my life and my head into words. I blame everyone for my problems but myself. Also i know i have mental illnesses but ive never been diagnosed with anything before and i probably will never find out whats actually wrong with me. I wonder why i barely have any friends but who would want to be friends with someone who has nothing positive to say and will eventually end up hurting them. I feel bad for my mum because she works hard everyday just to come home to this depressed teen rotting away in her dark room. I dont want to be this way anymore but no matter how many times i try and change i will always be this disgusting person.