a modern love story

tw: this blog entry contains descriptions of toxic relationships, domestic violence, and sexual abuse. proceed at your own risk. 

it was the summer of 2023 and i would stay up late at night looking up IVF for single women wanting to get pregnant by themselves. i had fully given up on love. i was ready and longing for a family of my own, even if i had to do it by myself. i had come to terms with dying, and living, alone. 

i grew up as a fat kid. no guy ever asked me out in school and all my crushes were unrequited. i was bullied. i was teased. i started high school, and i realized that boys who don’t find you attractive won’t even see or treat you as a human being. i was sexually assaulted by my own father, and i realized my body wasn’t my own.

i struggled with my sexuality as a teenager. i knew that i liked girls, but with the internet culture at the time, i was forced – both by societal, and honestly, my own expectations – to put a label on myself. i was often confused and i experimented with a lot of different labels, which came with expectations from friends and family, as well as imposter syndrome. it wasn’t until i was twenty that i finally figured it all out. that’s what’s funny with being a teenager – you think you’re grown up until reality catches up with you and you have to figure it all out again. 

my teenage years were filled with only brief, long-distance romances with girls. i embraced my new-found identity of “i like whatever the fuck i want” and started exploring, especially with guys. i quickly realized i also didn’t know what the fuck i was doing. i didn’t know how dating worked, even though i had been on dating apps since the day i turned 18. dating boys was a completely new kind of science i had to learn, and understand. 

it didn’t work too well in the beginning. as soon as a guy gave me some attention, and eventually managed to get me in bed, i fell in love. as soon as the date, or night was over, they practically despised my existence. it was high school all over again, but this time they at least acknowledged me briefly due to my body. the little girl inside of me just wanted to fall in love, to experience that perfect disney romance – but they didn’t want to fall in love with a fat chick. they just wanted a quick fuck. 

i eventually fell in love, and it was reciprocated – at least that’s what i believed. we were boyfriend and girlfriend. we met each others’ moms. i spent most of my weekends at his place, mostly in silence because we didn’t really hang out. i guess i was blinded by the wishful thinking that i was lovable and that i was loved, that i never realized that he merely tolerated me. he never actually strung me along – he simply just accepted that i wanted a relationship, although it’s obvious now in hindsight that he never even was interested in me. he used to tease me for my interests, values and opinions. he used to threaten that he would throw me out of the house if i smelled of cigarette smoke after a night out with my friends. we used to play wrestle a lot, but i always felt scared. i felt like a little kid, in the scariest way possible. 

i eventually found my voice. i voiced my fear. i voiced my anger and disappointment. i voiced how i didn’t feel like he loved me anymore. that’s when we broke up. i still wish i asked him if he had ever loved me, or even liked me. 

i fell down into a self-sabotaging spiral after that. i dated emotionally unavailable guys just to feel something and feel like i was worth something, that i existed beyond this heartbreak. they used and abused my body, both sexually and physically, and there were many times when i was scared. there were many times i wondered what the fuck i was doing and kept going anyways. the sex and the abuse consumed my entire life. i felt like a shell of myself and who i used to be. i was self-harming with sex. 

it took me over a year to find my way back to myself. when i did, i realized i was dead both in mind and soul. i found acceptance in that and started building myself back up. and when i least expected it, i found him. the personification of love. and here i am, 1.5 years later, still not knowing what the fuck i am doing but feeling a lot happier than way back then. 

i have never truly felt unconditional love, but i think this is what it feels like.