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old blog I was too cowardly to post at the time

September, 2024

"yapping for creative purposes"

vent i think?? no, i dont think so at least not in the general definition. its not like im pouring my feelings all over but i guess its some kind of spill. the thing is, ive been REALLY focused academically recently and i can see changes. i used to be imaginative and i had so many interests and have assignments due really late and one of the difference is that my train of thought feels like a long hallway. before, i would take weeks to do a single paragraph of an essay and its probably because my brain's been decaying of 3 second tik tok videos but at the same time it was kind of fun. being so anxious of due assignments but at the same time being so very calm because i've already accepted myself as a failure. change is super weird, especially when you really force yourself into it so quickly. my mind used to be a cycle of labyrinths with so many ideas and i realize i never really hated it. i hated it for the way it affected my life but not the way it is. now my mind is defined, well-shaped. there is only one path. there are doors that lead to interesting things but it's never that exciting. i still like drawing, i still like music, i still like painting but not like before. not as obsessively, not as religiously, not in a way that matters anymore. there's a glow from beyond these dull wooden walls and i know what it is. the most painful part is that i remember how it scorches through the ground and the way it burns my palm. i know the way back


I wanna put something here but idk- I wrote his in pitch black past 12am and with a high fever. self conscious abt my writing cus I suck at pacing but this genuinely was just a spill of words


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