17/01/25 talk about january blues

alright so i think it's time for a life update because a LOT has happened in the last 2 months. if you're reading this, good for you. maybe you can laugh with me because if we don't laugh, we'll cry.

so obviously in november, my french boyfriend moved in with me and all was going surprisingly well. he was easy to live with, we were having fun, he was getting on well with my family, the sex was amazing, i was happy and there was no complaints and we had a plan. we were gonna work in ireland until new years and then move to france to work in the ski resorts.

so i was grinding at work, saving all my money and making so many tips, as well as saving all my birthday money (perks of turning 21). i picked up a 2nd job as well and he was working away in a hotel. in the evenings, we cuddled in bed and watched game of thrones and that suited me because it seemed that our love languages were the same, quality time and physical touch.

then about a week before christmas, he got sick (man flu) and he seemed really down. less cuddling, less talking, and eventually he stopped kissing me and touching me altogether. we always kissed, in the morning, when one of us went to work, randomly throughout the day, when we got home from work. then that all just stopped. out of the blue.

so me trying to be rational, i think "he's sick, he's not feeling himself, i'm sure everything will be fine in a few days" haha did it fuck. after a WHOLE WEEK of this (basically no fucking contact while sleeping in the same bed), my whole family went out to the pub a couple of days before christmas.

he had really pissed me off, he was talking to literally everyone in my family except me and we had gone out for MY BIRTHDAY (i sound so spoilt but anyway). i was so fucking pissed so i decided to basically pretend that he didn't exist because i was so angry and the vodka was not helping.

my brother noticed and i ended up breaking down and telling him what was going on because i was convinced i had done something wrong or he was just bored or sick of me and seeing as they were both the same age, i thought my brother would have some wise insight; "he's probably homesick, he's away from his family at christmas in a new country with a new language. he's 25 and has moved country for you, if that were me, i'd only do it because i want to settle down. he loves you like" now my brother was sounding A LOT more rational than i was so i believed him.

christmas goes by, i'm trying to be considerate and empathetic and as understanding as possible and things picked up slightly. he was talking to me a little more and after nearly two weeks of no touching, he initiated sex (important detail, he started it). so obviously this put me at ease, everything is going back to normal. this happened 2 nights in a row, friday night and saturday night.

roll around to sunday night/monday morning, it's 3am, he's just home from work and i've been home maybe 30 minutes and this fucker says to me that he's gonna go to france on his own. we're meant to leave on thursday. aND HES TELLING ME ON SUNDAY. ALL WHILE HES EATING A FUCKING SANDWICH.

i look at him with the blankest yet angriest stare so let me play out this conversation and imagine absolutely no emotion on his part, like he's telling you about the fucking weather:

me: "what do you mean you're gonna go to france on your own?"

him: "i think i'll go to france alone. it'll be better for us."

me: "can i ask why? what changed?"

him: "i just thought things would be different"

me: "did you expect me to be different?"

him: *inconclusive answer*

me: "when were you planning on telling me? when we were on the fUCKING BOAT? how long have you been wanting to tell me this?"

him: "a few days..."

this french fuck had been wanting to tell me this since fucking CHRISTMAS but not before fucking me twice beforehand. i think that's what pissed me off more. he knew having sex would put me at ease, because in a sick way it makes me feel loved and useful, whilst knowing he wanted to break up with me because idk, he got fucking sick of me. meanwhile, i was debating on when i should tell him that i loved him.

so yeah, for the next 4 days, he avoided me. he did not talk to me. he drove past me while i walked home from work in the rain at 2am. spoke with the rest of my family of course and he acted the same way he did when he first arrived, it was like the biggest weight had been lifted off his shoulders. so i spent the next few days at the pub with my friends. when it came to thursday, he didn't say goodbye to me but happily said farewell to the rest of my family and promised to fucking visit.

so yeah fast forward to now, i've moved to the uk and i'm living with my sister. looking after dogs and applying to so many fucking jobs. it's awful trying to restart your life in january of all months but i had already quit my job in my hometown for this prick so i figured i needed to keep moving so i wouldn't wallow. he also text me yesterday asking for money, karma's a bitch.

so here we are, i still haven't fully processed it because i immediately went out on the beer, distracting myself with poker and shots and making a new friend, his name is alex (and i know he has a crush on me, funny enough) and then i was distracted with moving, applying for jobs, going to interviews. i can't really stop and think about it for too long because i just feel dirty and angry and used for my body but yeah, i just gotta keep laughing about it. and to think i took the morning after pill for this fucker because he never pulled out.

going on a man cleanse.