﹒˒（01.17.25）˓

marriage?

so, i've been thinking about this lately. marriage and dating is a topic i never really thought about until the past year or so. (for context, i'm almost 15) the reason why i started thinking about it is because i realised how selective i was with finding a partner. first off, i don't expect my partner to be perfect at all, that's not what i'm saying. when it comes to things like physical appearance, i'm okay with that stuff not being totally perfect, that's why i never really thought i was selective with who I date, but i'm starting to think that i might be. its just things like emotional understanding that really makes me wonder if i'll ever find someone who's soul i'm attracted to, instead of their looks.

maybe i'm too particular, but i feel like if i don't find someone who i think is my absolute soulmate and connects with me on deep levels, there's no point for me to even try with them. like i'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than be with someone i don't see myself pursuing long term. i've tried convincing myself i don't mind not being with anyone, and i know not everyone is promised marriage, but i would really like to be with someone and love them. the thing is, i've always felt like this, always felt like i would never experience love, even before i started thinking that i was selective. as a little girl i knew. a part of me always felt like i wasn't meant to be loved. not sure why. guess i am still 14 soo.. time will tell.

i feel like sometimes i do have an ego, like i'm expecting something beyond regular standards even though i don't deserve it. i just would like a soft spoken and understanding man that i'm attracted to in all ways. the soft spoken understanding partner that i envision is someone I think would complement the qualities I have. that's all I want. but some part of me still believes i'm asking for too much. and I feel like this will hold me back from trying anything with anybody, because it feels like i'm trying to find someone who fits a checklist instead of just finding someone attractive just by the way they are.

i may update this blog one day, tbh, this is the first time i've actually ever acknowledged and wrote down this stuff because i just didn't want it to be true. i didn't want these thoughts to be true because some part of me kinda does believe there might be someone out there for me. but i know that i can't force anything, and love is most definitely something you can't force. but love is also definitely beautiful, even if it isn't meant for me. :)

safe to say, this stuff scares me.

﹒˒（01.17.25）˓