me thinks

i think perceiving my feelings through a lense of how people WILL read my emotions n actions somehow fucked up my own feelings.

why doesgrief feels fake? bc i didnt cry n wail in front of everyone? bc i didnt say my last goodbye? bc even though i knew it would happen i didnt try to get the last seconds to be the happiest?

bc of my hypocracy people can die? bc i see myself as nothing that can help? bc of my inaction? why am i blaming myself for something i didnt do? bc im supposed to do what everyone sees as good? helping random people? for what? gratification from this wont help me or make me feel better.

n this sucks. why my motivation that i will die or people i care for will die doesnt work anymore? am i giving up? have i ever tried? am i blaming other people for my mistakes or ive made mistakes bc im that easily influenced by other people?

im scared of people who brought me into this world BC the did that. bc i lean on them for everything  n i dont have much time left - n i cant use the time i ave left to get hapier bc i dwell on my future bc thats what everyone else does n works on and im here... doing some bullshit of a profile on a site ill probably drop in a week if not earlier.

i have exams in a few months n i cant do factorials to save my life, i have no idea what logarifms are, my native language is already under an eradication n i cant even string a sentance. what the fuck is wrong with me???

N worse of all, i know that it doesnt matter in the long run. im not killing myself bc im a pussy n i always have a risk of loosing my life so who cares if i speed it up. ill just keep on living n praying i wont die before i stop worrying about this. ill be lucky if i pass my exams n escape myself. which i wont be able to do bc im a pussy