Being the next Patroclus (Yearning to the point of pain.)

Takes a sip of my earl grey tea and put my copy of crime and punishment with a long sigh . . .  kinda vent kinda not i dont know

I need a life outside of wanting. All I do it want and want and want and never fucking go for it. There so many things I want and beg for yet never try. It's truly impossible to try at times. I want to be something my mind can't fully wrap around yet. If I don't want to be me, than who do I want to be? Is it someone or thing I've yet to identify? I want someone so bad yet I know I can never have him. He's so far yet so close. I can't explain it to anyone. It's all so complicated. I just wish I could have him even since I realized. Hoco and it's cause of my realization will forever haunt me. I feel as if I can choke on the words. I know the words yearning, pinning, and whatever as if it was a life line. I would recite the meanings over and over. I could crave the meaning into the my skin. The words are branded into the back of mind and all over my back. I wish I could just fucking have. I'm so fucking sick and tired of wanting and wanting for things I know I will never be able to grasp onto. I'm truly just destined to die in war defending and protecting things and wannabe-lovers that I will never have or will never want me as I want.