Promise me to never leave this sheet of paper?

Meu corpo é minha igreja. Você me devora quando olha para meu corpo, desolado. Deus assiste meu corpo desdobrar e eu olho de volta e é você.

Você invade meu corpo buscando meu coração por baixo de minha pele porém você não encontra, ele não está mais lá. Mesmo assim eu quero que você volte e me olhe de novo.

Eu gosto de brincar de deus. 

Atravez da arte eu degluto do poder de criar e o mesmo sentimento desperta quando olho para baixo e você está de joelhos. E como dói. E como é bom. Sobe em mim uma certa santidade. Em sua casa. Na casa de deus eu grito. E você me acolhe e meu corpo estremece eu a dor escapa pela minha boca e eu sou consumida por agonia e eu olho para baixo e é você. E é meu corpo e é você de novo e é você. Você. 

Por um momento quis que o sol não brilhase tanto, que os pássaros não derramassem seu choro em mim e que você não costurasse minha pele à sua toda vez que me tocasse algo novo, digno de sua devoção.

Adore-me

Costure-me algo novo

O sentimento ecoa pela capela. Cada vitral com o boneco que você fez de mim.

Faça-me seu deus 

e eu prometo te deixar

A capela tem fome. As paredes engolem você. Não há saída. Você morrerá aqui, dentro de mim

 I've learned that a church is not a place for adoration. 

It's discomforting to have these words come out of me because I know what they mean but I don't want to talk about it. I have a terrible memory of having my eyes closed, opened to see a tapestry? statue? of god looking down at me. what I was experiencing was god's will and it was not graceful. it hurts. it hurts to this day. my hip. god destroyed my body and i my life motivation is to never forgive him. his power is on people's devotion and he will not have mine and that way i am in control. i should be the one getting workshipped. 

god's existance is complicated to me.to stop believing in god means facing reality and have all of my accumulating rage, my resistence, my fight to be a hoax. to spend all my life agonizing over something that doesn't even exist seems humiliating. but to conclude god exists is for me to actually be made an enemy of the universe. even if he is all kind and forgiving id resist and resist and deny him and offend him because what the fuck. what was he thinking witnessing my body tearing apart. all he did was watch. i think that with this confirmantion i would go insane. that is terryfying. my hand shakes and my chest burns just writing. i'm biting my tongue and trying not to give into dissociation. all from writing pixels and censoring a lot of things. i would certaintly go mad. i'm not agnostic. the question is not if i belive or not, if god exists i want to destroy him. i'd dedicate my entire life on betraying him again and again and again and piss him off.

this also speaks to why i'm very proud and certain of my identity. if the church is agaisnt me kissing a girl i'll do it every single day of my life and enjoy it like it was the first time. i want to be repulsive in their eyes. i want my existence to be an offense to the church. when my family told me they were praying for me i got so mad and hoped they choked in their words because you iwll never, ever have me and it'd be my pleasure to sabotage the littlelest rituals. my mom sometimes places rosaries and some salt n cotton rituals hidden in my bedroom. she demands i apologize but i have no hesitation of breaking a stuatue or throwing false hopes out the window again. you will not have me. i am stubborn and giving up on anger is giving up on myself. in this situation i value myself above everything else. unforgiving. whoever stands in my way, even if i like them, will be boycoited and i know how to be mean when i want to. 

ok omw to watch youtube now :3