i took a break!! (=ↀωↀ=)

hai blog!! 

okay so im gunna explain a bit why i had a break lol, i dropped outta school that was something but i still went to prom though (don’t ask why) and i realized that as much as i hated school because i didn’t have a lot of friends—that i kept losing friends—that if i was actually “myself” i mean like not that version of me any other version of me that has emo ass hair and wears eyeliner I WOULD HAVE FRIENDS?!?! WTFFFF???? at prom i got compliments and some people even know who i was and was like “i haven’t seen you before we’re you new i love ur makeup” i was skeptical at first like is this a backhanded compliment but it wasn’t like this girl was talking about how it’s “giving 2000s” and she’s like one of those “y2k” girlies so it was kinda nice and that fact this one dude i wanted to actually kill asked me to dance like what in the world is this shit? this mf used annoying the living shit outta me and is now awkwardly waving and smiling at me?? what the heck?? anyways i used to imagine different scenarios of things for example prom or if there was a new kid who was emo orr just how my life would be if i was a dude or whatever. 

on that note about being a dude, guy me would totally have friends probably get his ass kinda bullied but he would gaf like i do well this version im on about anyways he would defo get called twink but so do i but the main thing is i have a lot of friends who are like the kinda guys i went to school with and i get along with them pretty well and their my homies yah im aware some of them think im a guy which i literally pretend to be one sometimes…i wonder why they’d think im one? hmm…i wonder. i used to complain a lot about the guys which i’m blaming younger me for that because i used to be super sexist and hate guys semi including my own friends which is weirdd but i hate some of the girls aswell they were literal demons oh my god. i think i dislike more of the girls now that i think about it because they were the ones ghosting me and the guys were pretty chill but again i don’t want to sound like i’m being sexist towards the girlies cuz i love them (in general). as a maladaptive daydreamer i daydream a lot and i’ve daydreamed a lot about being a guy btw im not exactly trans i wouldn’t say i hate being a girl and all but it’s like i hate some things like you know periods suck ass so cis guys are lucky!! my life would still suck as a guy because people already think im a guy, a cis guy and there is a bit of a different way i get treated especially with some people thinking im gay and some thinking im straight but either way i still get called a fag which just reminds of 10 year old me getting called it every fucking day, im not offended by it anymore it’s a silly sounding word lmao. guy me gets to cut his own hair though and not get in trouble so my life totally sucks more (i know he would have a lot of his struggles and if it’s everything is reversed then he would prob crossdress and he’s a guy so people ain’t gunna fw because being a tomboy/dressing like a guy is accepted in society and a guy in a dress is like the worst thing imaginable, woke culture, not a real man but guy me wouldn’t care because he would be happy to hear that). i understand some of the struggles he would have to go thru so i apologize to him n im sorry he’s going thru shit. 

after dropping out i haven’t left my house so that’s awesome i haven’t had a lot of mental breakdowns though (that’s a lie i had a few in december but it’s 2025 that’s so last year) so yippee ig, i’ve had a few shutdowns and this weird thing i get where i’m here but im like not my head is empty as fuck and i feel floaty and airy?? i feel like a balloon and i have no idea what’s going on my friend says i’m high on oxygen. i feel braindead and like a zombie, im just here but im confused a lot and feel funny, im just existing. i’ve also been having a lot of my joker ass things idk what to call it my friend (the same friend) he has bipolar and adhd, which is a crazy combo when he has a manic episode, he likes to think i have bipolar (he also thinks i’m schizo among other things) because my like weird erratic perky really really hyper talking none stop and rambling and hyperventilating while i’m talking and acting like a lunatic (in a none offensive way), i mean i’ll be full of myself and shit, it’s crazzy but ya he thinks i’m having a manic episode but it’s actually really annoying and i apologize to anyone i’ve annoyed by ranting on and on, my tism likes to mix with it so i end up talking about an interest and i won’t shut up. my mom was confused the other day (last month) she was like wtf happened ur personality just completely shifted, you were more extroverted and all that, i was like yeah i know im aware, i know it’s not that usual but im a different person with mostly everyone it’s rlly awkward when two of my friends meet each other and im there and they’re both like dawg you’re acting differently the truth is im that person and also that person they’re both actually me, versions of me im not forcing it majority of the time but sometimes i have to force myself to stick to that version of me so i don’t scare of my new friend lol.

so i just decided to take a break for no particular reason, rn im in a weird stage where i’m bit loss and burnt out but last night i was sketching which i haven’t done in ages i drew like 20 drawings in the middle of the night, it was a bit umm interesting i wrote some poetry too on the drawings some of them were “vent” drawings but it had silly sketches and random shit and cutesy stuff it was a mix of that. i was in weird limbo between being really happy and over the moon and being upset about life and deep thinking so i tried to put it on a page in my massive art book but ya i didn’t let it all out cuz i couldn’t psychically do that i have a lot of flooding things in my brain and their all floating around and can’t put them all down but it was kinda relaxing after a few hours at first i was scribbling down words and writing about things and how i felt at that moment like imagine someone writing frantically, i was at the peak of insanity in that moment i had so many ideas i didn’t need sleep so i haven’t slept properly i had a small nap which was 20 minutes but im not tiredd.

tldr :: i’ve been bedrotting literally bedrotting since october i swear i haven’t touched grass and i haven’t touched social media either im gunna try and be more active on here i swear!!😭😭

im sorry if u actually read all that it probably made zero sense lmao

   xoxo vivi