Back in the spiral.

Its been a while since i needed to make a vent on here. But i suppose i needed to go somewhere. Escape from it all.

Ive been doing much better. In fact, id argue this time in my life has been the most fortunate to me that ive ever had. In terms of relationships, finances, jobs, careers, school. There is hope and a pretty perfect base for all i would need to thrive.

And yet the spirals still here. The ink that seeps and clouds ones sight. Stains the perspective.

A few weeks ago I got into a pretty horrific accident. Survived even given the 92% fatality rate. I guess I always thought things like that would increase the gratitude one had for living. I want to be grateful. Im happy to be alive, I have so many wonderful things in my life. 

And yet, 

I feel like I am not even conscious of life anymore. My words dont come out the same. I havent been able to think at the same capacity as I did before. I can’t connect with people. I cant find the joy and hope I did. I never feel rested. And when I do rest, often theres nightmares to come with it.

I think what is so upsetting about this is none of this is new to me. In my life I never really had a time where there was not a tragedy, or a trauma happening. When asked if I’ve been depressed for long periods before, the answer asks- has there been a time when I wasn’t? And I suppose thats just it, I was happy. I put in work, I had gotten what I thought was better. I thought i could live like other people. 

I guess im just lamenting. I just miss that feeling of hope. It really is just a matter of perspective, but that perspective does not really feel like a choice. I just want to be happy again.

Thanks for reading