250114 23:14

i miss all of my friends (hi keag i love u im gnawing at your head and rattling your teeth in my hand like peanuts) (miss u....). im genuinely worried about s and since j was coming over to visit her i wanted to come with but she didnt want to see me so thats... that. im doing my best to not take it personal because i know shes going through something and wants her own space and her own closer friends but i miss her so much and i want to bring her food and treats and trinkets and ive been stress crocheting making her things for her birthday because she is so important to me and i want her to know that. im also really shit at expressing that verbally. at least with her. our friendship is just not like that

(also this is really attention whore behaviour but it sorts of hurts me that she doesnt want to see me. I KNOW ITS NOT ABOUT ME AND I WILL NEVER VOICE THIS OPINION AND BOTHER HER ABOUT IT SO JUST LET ME SPEAK MY MIND HERE OK................. i dont know. it also hurts me that she called ME when she was high and needed a trip sitter but chose to cling onto jc instead the whole time for some reason. like i wasnt even there. again i know its not about me im just a fucking clown... im not blaming her for any of this and im definitely not even the slightest bit of angry or annoyed or frustrated with her i just cant help my thoughts and theyre even making me rot so.. i just miss her)

ive also just been feeling like shit (woooooaahahahaha can you tell. i definitely didnt crash the fuck out in my previous entry but we dont talk about that.) the world keeps on spinning even though im trying my best to tell it that IM FUCKING DIZZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that im gonna throw up and cry if it doesnt stop right now. im in the wind youre in the water nobodys son nobodys daughter.... sometimes all a pathetic loser guy wants is to be held and listened to instead of being the one to do all that and its a bit rough. grr i want a dad

i also need to text people back (gingerbread if youre seeing this im only writing this because its near my bedtime and i like end-of-the-day entries. i'll text you back tomorrow i promise.) (if youre not then OH WELL i'll talk to you soon LOL)

my ex called me a raging red flag and honestly hes right because im so evil and its so funny. im one of those people who dislikes commitment and only experiences short lived infatuation or maybe limerence if i remember correctly instead of real romantic love. i would waterboard myself for my friends and stand by them for anything that comes their way and i will ditch my partner if they were to talk shit about my buddies. i dont believe in any celestial beings but if they were real and made me then i thank them for making me romantically evil and not sexually. is being ace really fucking tough when you're disgustingly attracted to evil vain toxic masculinity 40 year olds and would date them in a heartbeat if you werent so insecure and unattractive? yes. is it also really good for you because any 40 year old that wants me also obviously doesnt and only wants sex? yes. i honestly dont know what im saying at this point but my laptop finished updating so i guess thats my cue. point is. my deep dark secret that i just revealed is that if i get fucked up enough i WILL start seeking real actual attention from real actual 40 year olds to fill the void in me and im not gonna lie ive been feeling real fucking empty. wont do it anytime soon though because i got people who need me. i also need to know more about cybersecurity before i venture out into the deep dark wasteland of creeps

i am incredibly sorry if any of yall actually had to read that. to be fair i did disclose that im a freak. have a great night every1