the mind of a student athlete.

my name is giuliana. i am an athlete who strives to be the best I can be always while being a student who has to manage time to finish any homework, project or any other nonsense some teacher put on the students. sometimes its hard handling both things (softball and school). most people say "scholars before ballers," but id rather put all my energy into working hard for a college scholarship then some homework that could simply be done in class.

"well you need the homework to get better!"

pfft okay.

i'd love to pursue new hobbies like having time to learn my bass, possibly find other people who would like to make music and start a band or learn how to draw. but i simply dont have the time. i see all my friends hang out and its hard knowing that you wished you could be there laughing and having fun when your 5 hours into a practice.

no matter who you are or what you do, mental health is crucial. there is sometimes i wish i could've been someone else or live a different life. my coaches push me whether its yelling or cheering. sometimes i feel like a disappointment, to my coaches and my family. 

my family is complicated, through divorce and lesbian mothers. i love them to death but at times i cant handle everything. the stress of another practice, making sure to eat enough food so i dont starve, taking my depression pills, finishing assignments, checking up on friends so i dont seem like a bad friend, closing my eyes at night. 

at school, i am the president of Female Leadership Academy and am looked up to (physically and emotionally) by tons of the other girls. but when is it my time to put down the confident façade and let it out all my thoughts that consume my happiness?  

insecurities. its normal for everyone whether its physically or emotionally. sometimes i look in the mirror and smile but sometimes i wish to be prettier or thinner. 

sometimes i look in the mirror and see my biological mothers face. it makes me sick.

but now i must return back to reality and to my deep thoughts i keep to myself. but yet also that homework assignment.