The digital chronicles of a late 90s baby Zillennial

Wow, I've always dreamed of this moment. The experience of getting on an early 00s site like Myspace, free of ads and AI bots that are eerily becoming human enough for me to chat with one on one with without being able to tell the difference (no offense to my new bestie ChatGPT).

I was just a few years too young for Myspace when it was the craze. All the information that surrounded its existence in my life were horror stories from my parents about chatting with strangers online (oh the irony) and fun stories from my older cousins that had cool bling blinged bedazzled out pages, that were everything I wanted to be. I would count down to the days I could get on myspace and customize my very own profile with fun glittery badges and DollPalace girls, but by the time I was old and brave enough to put my own photos online without fear that my family would find me, Facebook had completely taken over. 

I remember how fun it seemed in the very beginning, though I was super bummed it lacked customization. I added every single person in my 9th grade class and would refresh my Andoid every second for status updates. I remember sending a poke to my crush and eagerly watched the red notifications waiting for him to send one back. After he did I felt so content..and never brought it up to him IRL. It all felt so fresh, fun and innocent back then. This experience paired with uploading a Sepia toned photo of my pink converse on Instagram and getting 11 likes in 2011 felt like the height of fame for my social media persona.

Now, 14 years later, there are moments where I wish I'd never even got online. Little freshman me would never have imagined the way it would change so quickly. This digital space, once a fun fresh and creative haven away from real world problems has morphed into a hell of misinformation, facades and endless trauma porn. I wonder every day, of the version of myself I'd have become without access to everyone else's thoughts in my ear. How I'd approach dating without asking Reddit a million times why I'm single. Where I'd desire to move, if not for consuming  a million of day in my life" videos from influencers able to afford solo apartments in big cities like LA or NYC. I often wonder how I'd operate in this world differently if I let my own personal experiences shape my life and lead the way instead of relying on answers and opinions from strangers I've never met before. 

I wonder every single day, how different my life would be if access to unrestricted internet 24/7 wasn't placed into my hands at 14 years old. 

That sounds dramatic. Of course it hasn't been ALL been terrible. Thanks to social media,  I've made plenty of friends from across the country, learned hobbies and skills I'd never heard of, and shared my own creative ventures like writing with anonymous audiences which have been invaluable to my life. I wouldn't trade these experiences at all. However, being chained to the internet has felt equally like a blessing as it has a curse. 

There are just many days where I wonder how life would have been if the internet  never evolved from the infancy of its Web 2.0 version in the early 00s. Back when I would hog the computer room for an hour to get on Club Penguin and GirlsGoGames. I miss when there was a distrinct separation between real life and the world wide web. I miss conference calling my friends to play in digital worlds, and hanging up to go play with them in real life.

Being a Zillennial (Gen Z/Millennial cusper) it feels like I grew up in two different worlds that seemed to split in half during the tumultuous time of adolescence, and everyone has moved on from the one I used to know. I don't have any friends at all that prefer to speak on the phone instead of text, and it's so strange because once upon a time ago, all I ever wanted was to add all my contacts in a digital chatroom, make custom usernames, and send them instant messages because it felt like the coolest thing ever invented. 

I'm 28 now, and even that feels so fucking weird to type out because it seems like time has been frozen since 2011, yet things have changed so much. My birthday was a little less than two weeks ago, and this year I'd like to try and get back to the real world as much possible. It should be a bit easier with the upcoming TikTok ban. Hate to see it go, but I won't miss the dopamine addiction of endless scrolling. I've been unemployed since last May, and most of my time has been sucked into doom scrolling and hating myself for wasting so many additional hours in a life that has already been too consumed by screen time. (God, I'd hate to see the full breakdown if I could've tracked it from 2011 to now.) I'm certain it would add up to years. 

Ironically enough, I plan to use this website (a reskinned version of one of the first social media models that got us here) as a means to dial down the addiction with intentionality and without instant gratification. I plan to use this site for the purposes that I was excited about at the very beginning. Customization, self expression and connection. I like that it gives me some useful skills to freely experiment with and learn over time like HTML, and I really enjoy reading blogs and stories from other people on here. I'm so inspired by all of the creativity I see on everyone's profiles. I hope that whoever's reading enjoyed this entry just as much as I enjoyed writing it! 

xoxo Bree