1/14/2025

Hey chat, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it I'm depressed. I'm sad. It never goes away. I've felt this way on and off my entire life but now it is the only constant. This long-term sadness genuinely feels impeachable and insurmountable. I hate myself for this. It wouldn't matter if I had everything I wanted, I looked the exact way I wanted or got back with the love of my life. I would still be unhappy. I hate myself for that. I hate myself because I know deep down that I am everything that's wrong with me and I'm not sure how I can fix it. I am alone now. Truthfully I've been alone mentally for a while now and my surroundings support that loneliness. I think it's better to stay that way. I would never share these emotions with anyone directly because it's embarrassing to feel this way. It feels awful to talk about my feelings to somebody because I know I will ruin their day. I know I'm going to kill the vibe. I know they are going to look at me differently. I feel lame and I feel corny. I feel like I'm the worst person to ever exist because I envy others when I see them so happy when I see them make friends so easily and never have to always question how close you are with someone. I'm nothing to be proud of. I wish the people who like me in any capacity would hate me. Prove me right that I'm unloveable instead of having to constantly check and make sure. I wish they would all leave me alone so I can finally have a reason to feel like this. I wish I wasn't such a shitty person. I want to isolate and be alone but guilt eats at me every time. But maybe I should I don't think anyone would care. I'm sorry to anyone who knows me personally.
 It feels like I'm suffocating and dying slowly. 
I'm sorry to anyone reading this. This is purely to voice my feelings. I feel like I should just post this privately because I'm not looking for attention. However, I do what I want. I'ma post it publicly but this isn't one of them shitty attempts to garner attention. 

Sorry that's all for today I had a pretty good day objectively.