lore update / trauma dump (LONG ASS POST LOTS OF TWS)

hi guys i just got back from ED residential treatment on January 9th (Thursday) because i have ARFID and it got pretty bad lol. anyway some crazy shit happened, and this might help me process it, and I HEART OVERSHARING ON THE INTERNET, so here's the lore update

uhh big ole TW for mentions of: sexual harassment and assault, murder, knives, cannibalism... etc...

basically i went to residential on November 6th. i've had ARFID my whole life but about a ~year before that i started steadily losing weight and eating less. i didn't choose to go to res, my parents and doctors did.

the main thing that i wanna talk about is this some exposition to an incident that happened there (which i’ll describe). there was this BITCH ASS MOTHERFUCKER WHO PISSED ON MY FUCKING WIFE who was there. another client. the urge to dox his full name, address, etc. is strong but i'll refrain and call him R.

literally MY FIRST DAMN DAY the first words he said to me were "wanna hear my kinks". bro proceeded to make a list of crimes that would rightfully land you life in jail without parole. i kinda just brushed past that 'cause how the hell do you respond to that.

anyway, as i continued my stay it became OBVIOUS how fucking DERANGED this kid was. the only thing he talked about EVER was how he wanted to hurt people (physically, sexually, emotionally...) you literally could not talk to him without getting sexually harassed.

i remember one night saying to my room mate, who i'll call S, "i'm low-key scared of R". i was scared they'd disagree because they were closest to being friends with him than anyone else there, but they whole heartedly agreed. i told them he has future serial killer vibes, and apparently EVERY SINGLE PERSON THERE HAD INDEPENDENTLY COME TO THAT CONCLUSION TOO. every single night became us talking about how much we hated him/were scared of him/were disgusted by him.

and it wasn't like we didn't make it known that we didn't like the shit he was saying. we all had told both our parents (who talked to the staff) and the staff themselves about it. but the place always ignored it and EVEN TOOK HIS SIDE.

on Mondays and Fridays was "process group", where you "air your grievances". you don't name names but if clients did/said something triggering, you would mention it. EVERY SINGLE FUCKING PROCESS GROUP WE WERE LIKE "don't talk about sex/assault/murder/suicide/cannibalism/etc" they didn't do SHITTTTT. they said they were "working on getting him to stop saying those things" but the fact he thought those things were morally correct was half the problem, not just him saying them. 

one time my room mate said something to their therapist about it and she said it's his "coping mechanism". yeah guys, sexually harassing people is "a coping mechanism" so HOW DARE WE criticize it. 

as if things weren’t bad enough already, my room mate was a victim of SA (which WE ALL KNEW) and R would talk about doing that stuff… 

i would often say "everybody's so creative!" after he said odd shit because what the fuck am i supposed to say, and during process group he was all “it hurts my feelings when people say ‘everybody’s so creative’ i don’t get it :(((“ and the clincial director was like “we don’t have to hurt his feelings :(((” 

bitch getting sexually harassed hurts my feelings. fuck off. 

 i think R had a crush on S. he told S there was someone here wanted to do that stuff to, and admitted it was them. he said which body part he’d eat first of theirs. ew. after S told me that, i was like, “we really need to tell the staff about that” (thinking that maybe if it was a pointed “im gonna do this to YOU specifically” and not a “i wanna do this to someone” they’d take it more seriously) and they were so scared of what he might do that they begged me not to tell until they had left. i shared those fears and never mentioned it to anyone.

me and several other clients told our parents, terrified, about him, and when our parents contacted the place they didn’t do anything.

he would get this look on his face, the type of shit they describe in horror novels that i thought wasn’t real. not to go all protentious and poetic on y’all, but that determined/passionate/intense look he got when he talked about hurting people (and ONLY when he talked about hurting people) was something i’ll never forget. it’s hard to describe, but you’ll know it when you see it, and i hope no one reading this ever sees it!

ANYWAY, with all that exposition aside, here’s the actual incident:

basically we have cooking group on Mondays. on Monday, December 2nd, about ~5:00 PM (it was dark out though) i see him in the hallway holding a knife (not a butter knife, not a plastic knife, A REAL BIG ASS SHARP CHEF’S KNIFE), with that look on his face. we all start screaming. he was walking somewhere but idk where because i immediately turned and ran. the dietitian herded us all into the nurses office. literally everyone was either having a panic attack or frozen in shock. we were sobbing, screaming, shaking, hyperventilating, the whole nine yards. 

btw they somehow allowed this kid who was friends with him (not S, they’d already left) to GO OUTSIDE TO TALK TO HIM. WHAT THE FUCK MATE.

two people had gone out with him, to talk to him etc— his therapist and his family therapist. i don’t know how much time had passed, but at one point we hear the family therapist start LOUDLY SCREAMING “HELP!” and we all start freaking the fuck out again because we think he’s about to “here’s Johnny!” his way through the wall. (he didn’t but it was scary)

OH ALSO the day of, pretty shortly before, me and another kid were filing out a “grievance form” about how he showed us something NSFW he drew. and then the family therapist pulled me to ask me about it. he may have been filling out a sexual harassment report but we’ll never know.

the process group the next day was basically just me yelling at the staff for not doing anything and the staff saying what is basically just, in therapy speak, a nicer way of saying “i guess we fucked up but idk like it already happened so who cares move on it’s not that deep” bro had the audacity to say, and i shit you not, this is an exact quote “i don’t think any of you were in any real physical danger that night” literally fuck off bruh he had a KNIFE and HOMICIDAL IDEATION what did you think he was gonna do? bake us a cake? the fuck??

that’s the gist of it. augh. sorry to trauma dump on you guys, and i probably shouldn’t be sharing this with a bunch of randos, but i just needed to get it out there. i lowkey might have PTSD from it but i don’t have a diagnosis and i feel like i’m just being dramatic. idk whatever bye.