Loss

Dear Mom,

I’m writing this letter not to send but to express everything I’ve been carrying in my heart. There are so many feelings tangled up inside me—love, pain, anger, sadness, and even hope. I need to let these feelings out so I can begin to heal and move forward.

First, I want to say that I love you. You’re my mother, and I’ve always wanted a close, nurturing relationship with you. I’ve longed for the kind of bond where I could feel safe, supported, and understood. I wanted to be able to turn to you in times of joy and sorrow, knowing you’d be there for me without judgment or manipulation. But that’s not the relationship we have, and it’s something I’ve had to accept, even though it hurts deeply.

Your words and actions over the years have caused me pain. I’ve felt like no matter what I do, it’s never enough to make you happy. Walking on eggshells around you has left me anxious and exhausted. The way you use your health, guilt, and the people I care about against me has created wounds I’m still trying to heal. There have been times when I’ve felt invisible, as though my feelings and needs didn’t matter.

At the same time, I know that you’ve struggled too. Whether it’s because of untreated mental health issues or your own pain, I can see that you’re hurting. I wish things had been different. I wish you had found the help you needed, and I wish our relationship didn’t have to be so strained. But I also know now that I can’t fix or save you. That’s something only you can do for yourself.

Setting boundaries with you has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. It feels unnatural to step back from someone who’s supposed to be there for me unconditionally. But I’ve realized that I need to protect myself, my peace, and the relationships that bring me joy and support. Choosing distance doesn’t mean I don’t love you; it means I love myself enough to create a space where I can heal.

I mourn the relationship we could have had. I grieve for the moments I wanted to share with you but didn’t because I was afraid of your reaction. I grieve for the love I gave so freely but never felt returned in the way I needed.

Despite all of this, I want you to know that I forgive you—not for your sake, but for mine. Carrying resentment only holds me back, and I’m ready to let it go. I release the hope of changing you or fixing our relationship. I release the guilt you’ve placed on my shoulders. I release the anger I’ve held onto for so long.

This letter is my way of saying goodbye—not to you, but to the pain, the guilt, and the longing for something I can’t have. I’m choosing to move forward with love in my heart and hope for the future. I wish you peace, healing, and happiness, wherever your journey takes you.

Goodbye, Mom.