Realizations and Rambling

Hi. You can call me Dia. I'm 20 years old, and I'm autistic.

A lot of people think that my diagnosis took control of my life, and often tell me I shouldn't let it define me. I think they should mind their own business, but it's nice to have something to laugh at.

It's only been 13 days since 2025 started, and I am starting to feel the exhaustion of my 2024 catching up to my physical body. Have you ever felt so tired that you could barely breathe? I felt like I was in a cage.

With the new year, new expectations came, and the disconnect between my brain and my body was evident. I'd panic upon being a few blocks away from my house, and I'd wake up in the middle of the night to throw whatever I ate during the day up, just to faint moments after.

I've never felt so cold in my life. It feels like my body is clinging to the few signals my brain is trying to send, and I can't live life like this. It feels like something is off. Terribly off. I'm going to college this year.

University in Argentina is public (free), and with our new president, that might change. For now, I'll do my best to not only survive, but to live the life I was meant to live. I can't be confined to my house forever. I don't want to.

I want to make mistakes, I want to accomplish something I thought was impossible, I want to get back my well deserved humanity that My Own Self took away from me due to the absurd amount of shame I carried with me. My father says I'm lazy, but I know I'm not. And every time I tell him that he's wrong, I am scared. I transform into this scared child that has no one to rely on despite being surrounded by a good amount of family.

This is why I am studying Psycho-pedagogy. I want to help. I want to help kids survive AND live. I want them to get the experience they deserve to have. We have to be kind, people. I understand that there is evil in this world, but I'd rather get hurt for being kind to an awful person than hurt a kind person by being awful to them.

I have been hurt so much in the past. I have hurt myself so much. I know I never deserved that, and I know I never will. At this point, I've learned so much from my pain. I am thankful for those experiences, it's the only way I can see it without falling into a spiral that I know will get me nowhere, that I know will only leave me bed-ridden for weeks, months, and that I know will set me back.

I will take a step back if I recognize that the situation calls for it. I will look back all the time. It's the only way I'll ever learn to appreciate what it's in front of me.