Our Mental Health Experiences #1 - Severe Anxiety (GAD)

For as long as I can remember we have dealt with very shitty anxiety. Knowing this has most likely stemmed from our prior childhood trauma which has made us develop C-PTSD as we got older. I think the first signs of anxiety and/or fear I can think of is a fear of men and becoming anxious and triggered around them due to certain traumas as a kid. As we have gotten older that trigger has subsided, but our anxiety has impacted our life pretty drastically since then. We have grown more hypervigilant, always needing to assess the environment before we can truly be comfortable in it, I know this is also a mix of paranoia but that still stems from anxiety and is common with GAD. Throughout our school years we discovered that we have an anxiety trigger that that centers around timers or anything time-based, usually tests or quizzes. This was mostly an issue once IPads were introduced to classrooms and various school apps were used (they were all awful). When we would have an assessment, this one specific app that we were required to use would plaster the timer right on the screen, a massive countdown that was unavoidable to look at because it would follow you if you scrolled up or down. This leads to one of our reasons as to why we had to get a 504 plan down the road. In other settings besides school we were pretty alright, never experienced any social anxiety of the sort. Around when we were 8 years old we started to really tank with our mental health due to online friend drama. I would have to say that was probably when our anxiety spiked the worst, we couldn't go a day without that gut wrenching and nauseating feeling of anxiety and impending doom. Everytime we would log onto our computer we would suspect some sort of new drama or harassment, it was a horrible rollercoaster that only recently ended once we turned 15. Our anxiety still affects us horribly to this day but it closely relates to our "daily plan" not working. Our "daily plan" is just a plan that is set for our free-days, usually consisting of; Exercising, music, and driving to get food. This specific anxiety stems from our Autism (ASD) mostly, we need a plan to feel like our day is secure and if our plan doesn't go perfectly it causes a pretty awful anxiety spike, but we have learned to manage it to the best of our ability. It's a very frustrating experience to deal with and we can only do so much, we have been able to identify things that help ease our anxiety and what to avoid. Since our internet drama days we have been more secluded with making only a few friends, talking in DMs and not servers/communities, and not getting involved in drama that doesn't directly affect us. Somethings are inevitable when it comes to the severe scale of GAD but learning your triggers and creating a healthy environment (that is in your control) are the first steps to managing your anxiety. As like any other disorder, this takes time and patience but it isn't impossible! 

Thank you for reading! Feel free to share any of your experiences in the comments! 

- Sangwoo