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TW: Stream of consciousness post, mention of parental loss, unhealthy parental dynamic, disability
For those who don't know me, hi, I'm Chiara and I have a disability
In 2023, I suddenly lost my dad
Me and my dad had a very rocky relationship: while I wasn't a saint in any shape or form (I wasn't a good student for most of my school years, our similar personalities made us butt heads a lot and my undiagnosed metal conditions had me lash out hard) he also had a lot of issues, most of which stemmed from his own childhood (his mother was smothering, his father absent, and his only sibling was eight years older, making creating a bond very hard)
When I was born, my father swore to my mom to never be like is own dad and while I do believe he tried, he ultimately didn't succeed
As he aged, he became more and more withdrew, throwing himself fully in his work and often fighting with my mother and me
I'm now in a space where I am finding myself, I live with the love of my life and, slowly but surely, we are on the path for a wonderful future together
The thought of children came up at least a couple times and today is being particularly haunting, thanks to a video that I was listening to while doing chores.
When he died, I discovered a lot of his device's backgrounds where pictures of me as a kid, never of me as an older person: did he resent me for growing up? Did he only ever love me when I was a small, endless water bubble of potential, before I solidified into my own shape? Did he feel like I killed his daughter and substituted her with a cheap copy that was just meant to never live up to his standard?
I'll never get an answer to any of these questions, and I still wonder, will I ever be able to escape the shadow that my father left on me? Can I even break the cycle or I should just let his ghost die with me? Do I even want to have kids? Would I ever be able to love them even if the shape they solidify into is not one I like, or am I cursed to be like you?
Me and my dad had a very rocky relationship: while I wasn't a saint in any shape or form (I wasn't a good student for most of my school years, our similar personalities made us butt heads a lot and my undiagnosed metal conditions had me lash out hard) he also had a lot of issues, most of which stemmed from his own childhood (his mother was smothering, his father absent, and his only sibling was eight years older, making creating a bond very hard)
When I was born, my father swore to my mom to never be like is own dad and while I do believe he tried, he ultimately didn't succeed
As he aged, he became more and more withdrew, throwing himself fully in his work and often fighting with my mother and me
I'm now in a space where I am finding myself, I live with the love of my life and, slowly but surely, we are on the path for a wonderful future together
The thought of children came up at least a couple times and today is being particularly haunting, thanks to a video that I was listening to while doing chores.
When he died, I discovered a lot of his device's backgrounds where pictures of me as a kid, never of me as an older person: did he resent me for growing up? Did he only ever love me when I was a small, endless water bubble of potential, before I solidified into my own shape? Did he feel like I killed his daughter and substituted her with a cheap copy that was just meant to never live up to his standard?
I'll never get an answer to any of these questions, and I still wonder, will I ever be able to escape the shadow that my father left on me? Can I even break the cycle or I should just let his ghost die with me? Do I even want to have kids? Would I ever be able to love them even if the shape they solidify into is not one I like, or am I cursed to be like you?
Hey dad, in your great mathematical knowledge, is there a formula that explains why I still love you?
And most importantly,
Why do I feel like you never loved me back?
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