vent/rant tw

Sometimes, like tonight, I get this anger in me. This rage inside me that I never feel. This need for vengeance. I've been a lifelong coward. That's not self-loathing (probably,) that's an honest to god story about me. I'm a notorious freezer in my everyday life. It's a problem because there's nothing that fosters communication in a relationship like a dear in the headlights. This is the first time in years I've felt safe and secure. It's the first time I've been honest with myself and others. It's the first time I'm living my life. Now that I'm relaxed enough to feel, I feel angry. It feels just so unfair, so unjust. I thought I was desensitized to the world's injustice but apparently, it still hurts. My father gets to walk the world a free man, hurting whoever he pleases, worshipped as some kind of model citizen and father/grandfather. Meanwhile, I struggle to believe in my safety. I struggle to trust my boyfriend. I struggle to let anyone close for fear of betrayal or worse.

When you find out as a little boy that your dad murdered your brother, that you really did see what you thought you saw, you think that nothing will ever surprise you again. Then when you least expect it you have a couple long distance relationships and the one that becomes your best friend also turns out to be a predator. You find yourself back where you started years ago, crying about the cruelty of the universe. Why me? All that stuff. Really it's just bad luck, and it's all behind you now. It just doesn't feel like it. probably because you're in high school

Now I'm an adult woman, not suffering through stupid situation-ships or living part-time with my dad in high school. Now I freeze up, and stutter, and tic. I'm becoming more of a scaredy cat every day. I get triggered and overwhelmed to the point it affects my relationships. I keep having nightmares about him and I'm so tired of it. I must remind myself I'm safe, that the odds of lightning striking the same place three times are pretty unlikely, right? I think the truth is, I've bought into the idea that he'll never see jail time. They don't make self-help books for children of uncaught killers because the first step would be to catch the bastard. You never know, maybe one day there will be a case

thanks for reading if you did, no sweat if not. I just need to put this down on something I can't throw it away. cheers to living, love yourself.