Having a Bad Passion

Passion is typically what ties two souls together. This is in any relationship. But what happens when your only true passion relies on bad experiences? My passion is human emotion and connection. But more specifically, feelings of hopelessness and dependency. As those are things I’m very familiar with, I find great joy in discussing and pondering upon said things. But you learn very quick that people don’t find joy in negative people. Although I don’t find myself to be a negative person, the things I find joy in talking about certainly are. It makes it very hard to connect with people. When you go to the wrong people they dismiss your passion and label it self pity. They turn it against you and consider it your weakness.

Imagine trying to talk to the person you like and attempting to bond by talking about said things, they likely won’t understand. They will view it as you being too emotional and negative, deterring them from you. So maybe you try another way of bonding, but it all feels too surface level and you yearn for that depth that many just aren’t capable of. It makes everything every difficult. The worst is trying to rekindle a relationship, romantic or platonic. You’ve shown them that vulnerability before and they once knew who you were. In having a simple conversation you will, without even realizing it, make it too sentimental. Bringing up your previous connection, talking to heavily about your emotions, etc. First conversation with you in ages and they’re already drained by you. You are now drained. You try to pick up other hobbies but you aren’t naturally gifted enough for anything else and quite frankly you don’t have interest in it. Interest in concept is far harder to admire than something of the physical realm. It makes you doubt yourself. If you’ll ever find someone who understand you, or if you’ll end up scaring everyone away. 

They say you are what you surround yourself with. This scares me. The place I find the most comfort is reliving the pain I’ve once endured. I continuously draw myself back into certain circumstances and emotions just to get a better understanding of them. I use myself as my own study. This cannot be good for one’s mentality, but I don’t know how to escape it.

Am I passionate about it because I’ve experienced it, or have I experienced it because Im passionate about it?