How I'm doing...

Hello, I'm Tro, and this is just what has been on my mind and an answer to how I'm really doing. I'm currently a university student who has just returned from winter break. The break was hard; I often felt isolated and alone. This is difficult to talk about when I'm at home with family because it sounds like I'm just complaining. It doesn't make sense, especially considering that in university, I was mostly alone. When I was in university I went to the gym, did schoolwork, and walked around town. However, as soon as I went home all of those activities stopped and I started falling into depression. I wanted to be alone, and for the most part, I was. 

   Although I was isolating myself and utterly lost inside my own head the only person, I would actively try to see was my ex-girlfriend. We broke up a little bit before winter break. We ended up spending a lot of time together. We spent the holidays together, which was honestly really fun. She always makes me forget my worries when I'm with her. I'm still very much in love with her, but I think she was right and broke up with me. She had priorities that weighed on her heavily and she felt as if she couldn't provide what is expected from a relationship. This was a problem that I tried to dismiss by thinking it was her overthinking or her not being confident in herself. That was not true, instead of trusting her words I just held on so she wouldn't leave. so, I wouldn't be left again. Splitting was inevitable, but I love her so much. I still dream of being with her and I still want to be with her. 
  Currently, I don't think I'm in the right head space to even engage with her. Every time I('m) in/exit depressive spells I become insecure. I can't really explain that but, I feel like I'm not eligible to be a target of anyone's affection, especially hers. Excluding all of that, arguably the worst reason is that I love in a way that sacrifices myself and I become extremely focused on her wants and needs rather than my own. I used to express that I'd drop anything to make her happy and that doesn't make her happy. It makes her feel bad. I don't want to make her feel bad. I'm truly sorry. There are so many things to be sorry for and I think that’s what makes me so insecure. I wish to be better not just for her but for myself. I centered my thoughts and life about her and I don't think she likes that but more importantly, I don't. She would want to be with someone who has an identity outside of hers. I also recently had a wake-up call when creating my account. I told her I would only post about her. That's when I realized that my way of thinking and going about expressing myself was wrong. I love her and I'm obsessed with her, but I think I should just love her. 

Besides that, I've been fighting for my life mentally. Last week I was ready to take my life. I had a plan; I knew exactly how it would go. I even wrote multiple suicide notes to Amari, my grandpa, dad, aunt, "Friends", and Jaylen. My plan is put on hold hopefully indefinitely. 

Anyways, Thank you for reading!!!! ^_^