Who Would've Thought? Certainly Not Me.

Growing up, I was always leaned towards the mediocre side. 

Being a kid, I didn't care about being popular, or keeping up with my appearance...I didn't have any ego to feed myself. I was enjoying whatever I enjoy on surface level, and wasn't afraid to express my honest feelings to everyone. It was the most liberating moment in my life which I will never go back to. 

The blinding, scorching sunlight on 1 PM noon around my old housing complex takes me back to when I was four years old. My main concern is to watch midday cartoons and avoid taking naps even though my mum told me to. I would sit in front of that large box tv, neck craning up to see the screen, and eventually lays down to make myself comfier. The kitchen was clean from all the food scraps being cooked earlier that morning. Slight breeze would seep through the mosquito railing on the door. 

I had no enemies, nothing to be concerned of. I didn't even think those days would eventually come to an end. 

But I grew up, sadly. 

I couldn't live that kind of life anymore. I need to turn myself to become something which I currently don't. It's called adulting. 

I'm writing this passage during my business trip in Korea. Who would've thought that kind of thing would be my reality? Certainly not me. 

I realize this could've been some of my friends' dream. But it certainly isn't mine. So is it selfish to say that I'm not exactly happy? 

I saw two separate people's instagram feeds the other day. One reminds me on what kind of life I could have gone through had I not change myself for the better; it is filled with daily boredom, lack of interest in life, nothing great ever happening in life.. I certainly don't want that. That person makes me glad that I'm me.

The other account reminds me of a life I could have gotten had I not settle a big ego; which is a life perfectly fine, a quiet and languid life shared with a partner, where the most exciting moment is visiting a Japanese restaurant chain with the said partner, or when capturing an image of a flower in a garden I happened to pass by. 

I remember writing how confused I am for not having a reason to continue working. Now I get it; it's my ego. Ego as a struggling, working woman, who doesn't depend on a man.. It's like I'm feeding someone else's fantasy, but to lose it all would be a shame. 

There is an option to throw my ego and leave my job to get married with anyone who'll accept me. But will I ever take it? When will I ever take it? 

I don't know the answer now..