A few negative notes

Yo!

I kind of have a lot of negative stuff on my mind so I figured I'd write about that tonight. Its a bit random and 'misjambled', so I cant exactly guarantee the conciseness nor the coherence of it, but I'll try my best. I'd also like to add that I tend to use abstract metaphors to describe things and/or will sometimes seem like I'm not making sense, but I promise that all of these are based on my current state of being, experiences, and interactions with other people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The unbearable few ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When it comes to my genuine day to day life, I have come to learn that I have very low tolerance in a spectrum of different ways for 4 precise individuals. Of course I can't use their real names nor any time of code name for I fear they may find this, and quite frankly that would make my life a lot more miserable. Ergo, I give the more fantastical names and descriptions for the 4 individuals in my life who rack my brain and make me distressed beyond all belief:

The Back-Stabber: This individual is one of the lowest self esteem people I have ever met. They speak with others and almost never allow an opportunity for the other part to talk. They just keep going on and on to hear their own voice and make their presence dominant among everyone else. The funny part? They have no limitations on who they will make snide remarks about and talk about behind their back. Through a friendly facade, I believe I've managed to stay on their good side, so nothing has came to me yet about them saying shit about me. But, in just about every conversation I've had with them (not by choice as they usually approach me and force an engagement) since I first met them, they've always constant shitted on several, several people. I think the most notable pain they've caused me so far is that they name dropped someone whom I am a bit shakey on at the moment, as well as proceeding to misgender them. I know its... "political" of me to get angry at someone over one instance of misgendering, but in a mix of still having feelings for the person they misgendered as well as knowing what type of scumbag they are... I find the action inexcusable and implausible. They were in my room as I typed this and they were so insecure over the action of me typing so much that they got up and had to quickly walk over to directly look at my screen (keep in mind it was opposed to them). Grow a fucking back bone and learn to see the Brightside in people dickweed.

The Rat: This individual is one I've come to hate more so recently. In the past year I knew them, they didn't seem inherently bad, but their actions and interactions towards me have concluded otherwise. To begin with, they have operated an entire scandal to denote a coup de tat on someone I know of good honor and reputation on the basis of such a damning and incredulous lie that my peer may never seem to recover from. Not only did they sacrifice a good connection purely for the sake of putting my peer below them because they can't get enough of themself, but they genuinely are fucking proud of themselves! Can you fucking imagine how low on the human food chain you have to be to think that you're some hot shot of high caliber after ruining someone's life, mind you who was already suffering to such an extreme extent, just because you wanted to boost your ego and reputation? You are the worst scum known to mankind. Now you walk with fancy in your stride and see yourself as the flame in everyone's furnace. You are self centered, entitled, and will never amount to what you wish to be because of the cruel actions you have enacted. I hope a false reality of fake worship and majesty serves you well in a detestable life, and that you realize one day what you lost when you are repulsed into solitude by your innate lack of care for others.

The False Idol: This individual destroys themselves from the inside rather than being consciously aware of the harm they bring onto others. They mold their entire being to fit together with others in a sense that becomes as if they were destined to meet. The person whom has been molded for then believes they have stumbled upon a god because this individual clearly relate to everything they do as well, and believes they are the destined "one" for them. However this individual always seems to turn each down in hopes for a lesser than devoted connection, for they are not interested in other people caring for them. This leaves the people whom are affected as husks who linger and still believe they stand a chance, so they hover around this "False Idol" and wait for their moment to try again, for a moment where they can finally capture their divinity. Its sickening and revolting to watch both parties tango, and I think the part that upsets me the most is the silent acceptance of this individuals clearly harmful traits. They have openly expressed awareness of the trend, but seemingly have not connected the dots that since they put on a facade to each individual, they are essentially leading on each new individual they meet and hyper fixate on. The most keen point of anger I hold for this person is that they could truly become such a high value person with great integrity and morals, but no. They choose to simmer in their devious deeds and just "accept" their fatal flaws. You are not doing yourself any good, nor those whom you interact with by undergoing these behaviors. I genuinely am sympathetic for you in some regards, but you need to learn to start thinking less selfishly and learn more selflessness. These are not good behaviors or desires, and you are simply just allowing yourself to lazily bath in toxicity by avoiding the action of positively working on yourself. They also choose to not feel, face, or confront any sort of turmoil or pain, and instead of progressing on the path of growing from hefty situations, they instead choose to repress and move on. Do you understand how infuriating that is for an individual who cannot forget anything? who has to face every single one of their demons, again, and again on a daily basis? All you are doing is stunting your maturity and emotional progress. You are doomed to repeat your mistakes because you fail to even remember the negative consequences of them in the first place. I have watched this happen before, and it ended in hell, therefore I refuse to watch it again. Allow me the final moment to say, you are not always right, and there will be times when you are wrong, and that's ok as long as you take the time to learn from your wrongs. For all of this, I hold no remorse. 

The Bipolar "Boy Who Cried Wolf": This individual is so obsessed with themselves and how others are concerned with them that they can never seem to care about anyone else. In the brief time I have held a connection with this individual, I have never witnessed them care for anyone outside of anyone that they wanted to fuck or had mild hots for. Whenever they don't get their way or find themselves mildly upset, they scream and cry and desperately look for someone to give them attention. But ohhh if you're not the exact person they want attention from, if you're not the target obsession, then you're only cared for for a bit and then dropped as they lose interest in the whole facade designed to attract attention. This is about a weekly occurrence, and I'm so sick of my humane identities and care being manipulated and played simply because you feel like you aren't getting the attention you deserve. Whenever you don't get your way, you put yourself into increasingly worrying situations to garner sympathy until you achieve the outcome you desire, until someone bites the bait. Do you know how sickening it is to watch you live, to watch you thrive on others time? Its toxic, parasitic, and disgusting. You only care about yourself, and will never see past the brim of your own skull. The amount of repulsion I feel for this personality of yours scales no where close to your apparent self sufficient ego. 

Now, what's the common thread between all these people? What makes them so detestable in my eyes? One may be that they're all reasonable connected, but the whole hearted truth is that they are all toxic people who believe they are above others and seek destructive ways to stand upon the bodies of others. The moment you put yourself above others, even still being a piece of shit, is the moment you become the lowest of the low. No one, NO ONE, is above anyone else. We are all filth, meant to squirm and wriggle in trash and make the best of  what we can. Those who just, blatantly assume, they are better than others stop writhing and depend on others to put the effort for them. But in due time, when you 4 lose everyone and everything, you will drown under the consequences of your own actions. 

Another valid question, what makes me qualified to make these statements and conclusions about them and each of their characters? Am I being egotistical and thinking of myself of some omnipotent all knowing god who's above everyone else, therefore completely destroying the point of this section? No. The truth is is that I'm the same filth as all these fuckers and more. The difference? I at least recognize that I'm a horrible person and I'm trying to make a difference about it. Instead of squashing others and trying to stand on their corpses after beating them to a pulp, I'm trying to foster a community where we all rise together and in unison. These 4 are thistle bushes to my cause, and are the active wolves against my flock. Therefore let me make this final statement to conclude this section. I am validated in making these claims in observations in the fact that I am so much worse than all of you combined, but even I am making an effort to be better and have been since doing so. Your innate laziness and disregard for others is nothing short of evil, and truly shows a root of darkness present in all of humanity. You can change, and I have utmost faith that if you put in the work, you will. But you have to want too first, and recognize your own flaws, along with that they can be reconciled. Change begins with the first breath under the flame of present will.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Own Major Flaw ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One concept or ideal that I have been tangoing with recently is that every has some present and natural amount of "Flaws" within them. To just give preface as to what I mean, refer to the 4 individuals I tore into in the above section. But with this concept in mind, this has left me curious about what major flaw is. At the very brim of everything, I know my very being is one of wretchedness and sin, as my existence is not even thoroughly permitted in action taken place in this time, and relatively everything is an action of temporal interference. I can confirm with examples all throughout my life where individuals were doing fine until they met me, and then all of the sudden their lives have one by one all gone to shit. I know through 20 years of constant unconscious experiment that I am simply a natural bad luck charm. Whatever god is existent was unsatisfactory that I wasn't wiped out in the beginning, and so cursed me so that I am unable to hold proper relationships with any peer of mine and have them remain in a less than worse state from knowing me. However- that is going a bit off track. A constant I have noticed in every person is that among their flaws, they synonymously have one monumental major flaw. Using the people above as an example again, their major flaws could be (although not extremely well thought out and pure pot shots) respectively: Low Self Confidence (STAB), Fragile Masculinity (RAT), Fear of loneliness & Low Self Worth (IDOL), and Lack of Maturity (WOLF). I see these often in people and usually am able to nail them pretty precisely for the douchebags who seek no rehab. But after a while... I have to realize that if they all have some sort of major flaw, then I do as well. Thus I have been trying for a while to find what my major flaw is.

Perhaps its what could be conceived as an inflated ego? Obviously its something I'm self conscious about as in every essay I have left foot notes pertaining to a subtle fear of narcissism as well as god syndrome.  Growing up with a narcissistic father who always made me constantly take care of him and his every need really quite installed hatred in me against self serving behavior as well as the general fear of holding behavior such as that in my own being. Therefore I would like to argue against this proposal as I feel that I'm on the complete opposite of the spectrum as I'm too selfless (which anyone with half a brain will realize is just as bad as being too selfish, but is just minorly negatively looked upon by society as "too selfless" individuals are useful to society until they're run ragged). However I will not remove the option of me being too self focused as a major flaw off the table. 

Another possible benefactor could be my overly self awareness. If we connect a couple strings until I'm a perceived as a maniac in some conspiracy theory, self awareness can be shown to be the baneful cause of every subsidiary issue present within an individual. For example, my overly self awareness can be blamed for causing inflations of self worth through over analyzing everyone, realizing I can almost trust no one nor connect with anyone, and thus in some wicked fashion, unconsciously place myself above them. In its own right, my self conscious works against me through self awareness and causes innate flaws to occur. It also could be blamed for the existence of my large & character defining anxiety and depression disorders which would also potentially serve as major flaws. Thus, I feel like my unfortunately finely tuned self aware stand somewhere near the pinnacle for blame as my most subservient and apparent fatal flaw. 

However, just to add more contrast to the data set, maybe my loneliness is my most deadly. One could also argue, in a similar fashion to self awareness, that every despair is a direct result of someone's loneliness.  I will say that I have had several several moments of absolutely disgusting desperation from fear of loneliness that I am scarred with and forced to remember forever. Anytime I feel feelings of desperation, I feel such a wicked grossness and such a grotesque urge over takes me to solve the paradox of my existence just as a result of that initial desperation. I will say that loneliness is a very convicting suspect in this regard, and thus deserves to be near the pinnacle of my major fatal flaw as well.

Although I have been thinking on this for days and have yet to reach a solid conclusion, I have come to the belief that I just may simply not be able to understand or know my fatal flaw. Maybe its someone else destiny to convey or show it to me. This doesn't mean that I'm going to stop working against my flaws just because I'm hopeless, but I'll keep going faster and stronger more so than ever in hopes that I can become a being in which people can be proud to announce! At least as long as someone will be at my funeral, I will be more than happy. In other regards- I have been struggling to stay awake while typing this, so I'm afraid I'm going to have to leave this for another day. Hopefully we can keep exploring this and ultimately find out the core error and wrong in my being. Therefore, goodnight lads.

Arrivederci.