i hate being sick loll

so this is my first blog- like i literally made this account like 20 minutes ago because im sitting in my room with a cold. tbh i just want to use this as a diary but more anonymous but i still want to get my feelings out to someone? even if no one reads this. anyway

this week has been such a shit show. for context, ive just moved states due to my parents messy divorce situation, ive been here for a few months after not living in this state for a year, sooo school is awkward because these are kids ive known for awhile except i dipped for a year and now im back. i literally have like two friends, which is my fault tbh, im not much for socializing. there are some nice people i just genuinely have no energy, and barely have energy to keep up with the few friends I do have. although i am working on this, it can be hard, albeit im at the worst spot ive ever been mentally to the point where ive recently been put on anti depressants for the first time ever (they need to work faster lol).

ive always been one of those 'talented and gifted' kids in school, which i think is complete bs especially nowadays when you dont need to be 'school smart' to make a decent living. throughout elementary and into high school ive always pushed myself to do the best, be the best, and do as much as i can. for example taking advanced and honors classes, extracurriculars like sports and clubs, as well as school leadership on a school and state level. there's never been a time i havent excelled at school, straight A's and such except for this school year. i switched midyear first off, and genuinely have no energy or interest in what i used to. i am in some ap classes, like ap english and art and design which i love, but i hate my ap world class i am literally gonna flunk that class. i currently have a C, which is the worst grade ive ever gotten in my life and its really throwing me entirely off. yes, im aware im a little bit type-a. no, i will not be offended if you call me a stuck up bitch. i definitely am but self awareness am i right? i am also not doing any clubs or sports, mainly because there arent clubs im interested in and i also cant do sports due to recent medical conditions. although not all my grades are bad, i am struggling specifically in my core classes more than usual. i just cant focus at school anymore. as much as i want to do online school, i dont think it would be good for me and isolate myself further because i have almost no social life. i come home from school and lock myself in my room until i have to get up for the next day. granted i spend most of my time studying so at least its somewhat productive? and no, it's not because i have no friends, it's just because i genuinely dont want to. does that make me a bad person?

like i mentioned previously, im currently at what i would deem the lowest point of my life so far. ive had some pretty traumatic events over the last 2 years which has caused depression, ptsd, as well as boosting my already present anxiety. it's hard for me to get through a day of school without having a crying party in the school bathroom. recently, as in the last couple of months, i have started to zone out so much i started to not feel real. like why am i here how am i here kind of thing, as if im watching my life outside my body. at first it happened every once in awhile and now it's at a point where it's almost a constant in my day. it's very scary and i often feel confined to my room which is my safe space. everything feels normal in my room. it also doesnt help that i have confidence and body image issues and am extremely overcritical of myself physically and mentally. 

overall, i know i need help (and probably therapy) and i am truly working on it. no i didnt make this account to get pity, it was more of a way to reach out to others going through the same thing to connect? idk but i do know i dont need any sympathy i just needed a space to vent without feeling like a burden.

i hope someone out there finds this helpful, or at least entertaining? i hope everyone is well :)