Report Blog Entry
been having thoughts lately...
i think it's finally time for me to seriously think about my religious beliefs and decide whether there is a place for me in a specific practice. i have a very confusing relationship to religion, but i have felt called lately. i want to figure out where i belong when it comes to religion and faith.
i was raised without religion, though my father's side of the family is Christian (Lutheran on the German side, Catholic on the irish side). my mother's side of the family, though atheist, has actually had several ghostly occurrences. i have always been spiritual in some way, and believed there is a higher power of some sort. i was interested in paganism as a middle schooler, but never actually took up the faith. similarly, i have felt connected/drawn to the Catholic saints for some time (and to a lesser degree, Jesus Christ and Mother Mary).
i had qualms with the Christian idea of God for some time. i still disagree with some tenets of Christianity, and of course have many problems with the damage done by Christians and the Catholic church throughout history. however, i was at a very beautiful and quiet church earlier this year, just to look at the art. i was with my friend, who is a Catholic. i decided to pray with her, and in that moment i had an epiphany. i felt like i finally understood God. it occurred to me that God knows me in my entirety, and still loves me, which was an immense comfort as i've long felt that nobody could really love me if they knew everything about me. i also suddenly felt a worry i had about God quelled - i, like many people, questioned how God could be real when immensely terrible things happen in the world every day. in that moment i knew that things like wars are not things that God can control, and that the purpose of God is to love humanity unconditionally and guide us, and it is the fault of people if they stray from God's guidance.
since then i have quietly gone through life with this knowledge, but frankly i was too busy to think seriously about religion. even after my epiphany, i felt that i wouldn't be able to join any particular faith. for example, i'm not sure if i agree with the concept of sin. i don't know how i feel about the afterlife (though i believe there is one). there are tenets of other faiths that i find i agree with, or that i find interesting - for example, i like that God is genderless/sexless in traditional Jewish philosophy, and i like the close relationships Hellenic polytheists seem to have with their gods.
but recently, i have felt compelled to faith. i have had God, as well as Jesus and Mary (and the Catholic saints) on my mind and in my heart. it is very comforting to know that they are with me. i know that i want to properly worship them, but i don't know how. my beliefs are not straightforwardly Christian. is that wrong? i have seen people online who follow faiths like Christo-Paganism or folk Catholicism. it is these practices that intrigue me, but i still feel lost. should i read the Bible? should i do more research about different religions and different branches of Christianity? what do i do if i learn more and find out that my beliefs don't match up with any existing faith, though i believe in God?
i know that i believe in a kind and loving God, and subsequently Jesus and Mary. i believe that i have a connection with the saints. i believe that kindness and love is at the foundation of my faith - love for others, for myself, for God. i believe that goodness and beauty and love is inseparable from God. in my loved ones, in the beauty of nature, in happiness and peace, in community, in literature and art i find God. that's all i know.
anyway! if you have any insights, or advice, i'd really appreciate it. it feels like religion is so vast, i wouldn't know where to start in my personal practice. and i do want to have a practice! i know not every religious person has, like, an altar in their homes, or goes to church or even prays every day. but i do want to actively participate in my belief. another barrier is the fact that my mother is not very pro-Christian. not that she would stop me from practicing any religion, but while living with my family i probably wouldn't be able to go to church. i don't hold it against her, especially not considering her side of the family's complicated history.
i hope everyone is having a good weekend. God loves you!
Comments
Displaying 2 of 2 comments ( View all | Add Comment )
ludenberghia
i would like to re-emphasize what the other commenter said in the 2nd paragraph. its ok to form ur own beliefs around different things.
if you think about it logically(which isnt usually the best way to approach these types of topics but if it works it works) if a god (im not talking abt the christian God rather the entire concept of one) is truly omnipotent then it would be able to exist in different iterations amongst different cultures bcuz it represents everything that exists. which is kind of a depressing look at it cuz that would mean that a god also represents concepts like violence n stuff but the end result will always manifest itself as what u want to imagine it as-> representing love or suffering? up to you i guess... (though choosing the 2nd option ofc is questionable)
the christian God was able to create a being who is loyal and lacks that same quality (talking abt Lucifer ofc) so even the christian God is an omnipotent being though it obviously represents a greater goal than unhumane behaviour.
personally i like to imagine the after life and the main goal of God's teachings as a way to reach perfect fusion with the universe n stuff which would kind of align with various religions but mostly similar to buddhism i believe (though i just make stuff up as it seems logical to me so this is probably a selfish iteration/belief)
anyhow if youre reading this then i wish you a happiness and love filled relationship with God!
this is super insightful, thank you! i'm also kind of heading in the direction of just believing whatever i already believe, even if it doesn't necessarily align with any existing religion Lol
by cadence ⚢; ; Report
thats the spirit!!
by ludenberghia; ; Report
kitkatanddog
I've put a lot of thought into writing this comment with the intention of addressing your questions in a way that is helpful & loving. apologies for not writing sooner, I thought it best to wait until I was in the right space for it!
you're always allowed to float between beliefs based on what resonates with you, even if that means not believing in a singular one at all. my mother, who I'll speak more about later, is like this; she believes in & works with biblical figures like jesus & mary magdalene, but the majority of her work & spirituality lays beyond christianity itself. she's also a relatively recent convert & so has been able to develop a nuanced & deep relationship with the religion, which it seems is what you're also seeking- so this is just a reminder that spirituality isn't meant to fit inside of a box, & you don't have to shed one belief to pick up another. they can all coexist, so long as they feel good for you. similarly, god's priority is to enjoy a close & loving relationship with you, not to enforce rules that don't make sense to you. on this line of thought I recommend the book 'conversations with god' by neale donald walsch; he speaks to god directly & in doing so answers some of those "if god loves us why doesn't he ever intervene?"-esque questions. you may enjoy it from the perspective of getting closer with god personally rather than through explicit religious teachings. I thought it was a very enlightening read. but on that note, I think that further research could be very beneficial- even if you don't end up settling in a particular faith, you'll have gathered knowledge & experience in what feels good/what doesn't that will help you later on as you communicate with him(?) directly.
as for spiritual practice, I can hardly speak, as I haven't much of it. all I can recommend is incorporating symbols/images into your daily life (e.g. I have the wisteria kamon on my phone's home screen, & have that of kasuga-taisha on my spacehey profile.). but my mother is what I'll call christian-plus on account of having that more recently-developed & nuanced relationship with the faith, & so I'll describe some of her practices instead. she has an altar in her office with candles, images of jesus & mother mary, a rosary, & holy anointing oil ('rose of sharon' to be exact). when it comes to rosaries, you might like to buy one secondhand as they can accumulate their owner's prayers over their lifetime (but I also understand if, for that exact reason, you'd prefer not to own one!) - the one time my mother & I went to a museum together, she could feel the intense strength of a rosary that had been prayed over by many women numerous times a day during a time of hardship (I think it was a war/period of starvation?). on the topic of rosaries, you might like to buy a cross necklace & pray to/communicate with god through it throughout your daily life, to help you feel connected & protected at all times. I'm not sure if this will appease your mother by keeping it out of her way per se or aggravate her by seeing you wearing it all the time, & so you can always fall back on a rosary that you can keep somewhere in your room if that's not an option.
I hope that was helpful! my relationship with god is confusing at best, but at least I'm able to approach this discussion with an open mind because of it.
it is so kind of you to write such a well thought-out response, thank you so much kat :')
️
i think that my path will be something similar to your mother, working with Christian figures and concepts, but adhering also to a broader sense of spirituality. i love the practices you've described - i definitely want to get a rosary and/or cross as soon as i can. the anecdote about the rosary at the museum is especially powerful, women have such a strong spiritual presence. i think that's why the female saints call to me more than anything.
i appreciate the book recommendation, i looked it up and it seems super interesting. i think some reading and research is in order!! your suggestions and advice was super helpful, i can't thank you enough
by cadence ⚢; ; Report
of course!! & I'm always happy to answer any questions you might have from here on out c: I'll have a look for any other books in my mum's collection that might inspire you, but the one I recommended is wonderful for not being full of niche jargon that leaves you confused.
I feel the same way about female historical figures. I find it so much more empowering to look to other women as a source of strength, as I relate to them far more than the better-remembered & beloved men throughout time. I share such a strong sense of camaraderie with them & sometimes feel as though I lived their lives, whether alongside them or as them.
by kitkatanddog; ; Report
yes! there's such a strong thread that connects women from different points in history, that's why my pfp is lady jane grey :) it's wonderful to be so entwined. thanks again for the book rec, i put it on hold at the library!!
️
by cadence ⚢; ; Report
omg lady jane grey
by kitkatanddog; ; Report