About me

MINORS DNI DNR - do not interact do not read

I've been looking for an online space i can use for self exploration for a while. I want a space where i can be freely and fully myself in all my facets. I want a space where i can exist and take up space online in public. This place seems promising!

Who am i?

I am currently 24. Its 3:00 am. I woke up a little while ago to personal dismay but no surprise. Ive been waking up anywhere from 1-3 am when my alarm is always set for 4:10. Friggin annoying. I grew up emotionally neglected and largely unprotected, so im fucked up. 

I suspected i had autism since i was young. Id hear things about aspergers like the picky eating, social difficulties, struggling with eye contact, id hear these things in brief and noticed how they were the same personal struggles i had. As i got older, into high school, and my personal unique patterns became more solidified and evident, and as i learned more online about what autism was, it became clearer to me that i very likely had the disorder. When i brought the idea up to the people around me, they laughed in my face. "Theres no way youre autistic" "if you were, you would KNOW" "I just dont see it". So i decided to seek out formal assessment when i was 18 and got a job for my own. 

I ended up on a waiting list for 3 years, originally only meant to be 2 years but it got extended due to the lockdown. In the mean time i had started posting porn of myself on the internet. It was something i had always felt was just an inevitable part of my lived experience. Since i was young, it felt like fate that i would put myself out there for strangers to use for their personal sexual gratification. That started honestly as soon as i was 18. I deeply regret it. But i know i was just wounded and trying to quell the cognitive dissonance instilled in me, trying to quell the parts of me that felt i only exist to please others. That the only way for me to be accepted into society was through my nude body. I was also doing some "high risk stuff" within this. Thats as far as ill discuss this for now. 

Three years pass. The online porn had turned to being in contact with and groomed by a much much older man, had turned into my family finding out, had turned into my attending therapy. A first for me, despite having been massively depressed and suicidal growing up, having plans of ending my life set out since i was at least nine, having very few friends, and having "anger issues" since i was in second grade. But i went to therapy and realized i was being manipulated used and groomed by this older guy. I just wanted to be loved. I just didnt want to feel so alone. I stop seeing the therapist when my relationship with this older person is completely severed. My therapist noted "dissociative tendencies" and told me to come back to her if i ever wanted to get to the bottom of the dissociation. 

Now it is time for my long awaited autism assessment! I made sure to see someone who specialized in dual diagnosis and assessing autism in adults. It cost $1,500, but was thankfully later reimbursed by insurance thank fuck. 

I do the assessment, i send some long ass emails, i include how a prior therapist had noted dissociative tendencies. My psych doesnt specialize in dissociation, so he said he could give me this thing to fill out and would put the results of it on my final report, but id have to see a specialist about getting any diagnosis. 

I ended up getting diagnosed with so much shit. He noticed a ptsd profile pretty quick. I did get the autism confirmed. Asd level one, ptsd (he said it was cptsd but thats not in the dsm he was working with, so he just put standard ptsd), OCD (he said often that when diagnosing people with autism and ocd, he sometimes wont list the ocd and just autism, bc theyre kinda linked. He said in my case, the OCD was prominent enough to be diagnosed standalone), ADHD innatentive, persistent depressive disorder, general anxiety disorder. 

As for the dissociative assessment, my results were "consistent with ptsd, DID, and a possible somatoform disorder". Fuck. I thought maybe i had dp/dr, maaaaaybe osdd. Definitely not DID. I cry and ultimately do nothing about it except ignore it.

Then 2022 roles around. Im at university majoring in art. Everything feels so right. People say that i have interesting things to say in class. I can see that i have influence on the people around me. I start to feel like im experiencing enlightenment. It feels like everything in my life has happened for a purpose. I feel artistically and spiritually inspired. Everything feels so right, i feel so real and connected to the world and people around me in ways id never experienced before. It feels like people are indirectly trying to communicate with me through technology. It felt like i was gaining awareness of my brain folding, of my past lives. I do some intuitive poetry i wrote down in a fit of inspiration. Im losing my mind. But the other artists in my class tell me they really resonated with the notes i gave them all. 

I start experiencing an intense surge of vocal and motor tics. Im spending a lot of time on tiktok lives, trying to connect with real people in real time. I feel like people are always watching everything i do, that people are watching me through the cameras, that the US is the laughing stock and reality TV show of the world in the most literal way. I felt like i was experiencing enlightenment and had to call my dad who i hadnt seen since i was 13. He connects with me, he knows how it feels, how real it is. Hes been in my shoes. He knows this wonder. The phone call ends. "He passed" i think. "He passed the test". My partner walks out to meet me. I tell him my dad just passed away. I thoroughly believe that i had just heard his last words and he is now dead. I go downstairs. I need to call my mom. Shes driving and i tell her to call me back as soon as shes parked. I wont have her death from reckless driving be on my hands too. I tell her my dad just passed away. Suddenly i realize, i had just been on the phone with him? Whats happening? What am i saying? What the hell is going on?!?

She stops by later with my family dog. I was happy to see him. She said she knows this kind of thing can happen even with rx drugs. Time moves on.

Im scrolling tiktok lives one night. Interacting with the tarot readings and spiritual side of tiktok. "Youre a prophet! I know youre a prophet because i am a prophet!" She cant be talking to me? Whats she going on about? I leave the live then come back "you! Im talking to you! Its why you keep coming back to the live, you know its true!" People are so weird. I keep scrolling. Its midnight now. "Ah, and this is little [my irl name]. He comes out after midnight. You have to be careful when youre in this state because people will try to take advantage of you". What the fuck. This isnt the first time that its felt like people are looking at me and communicating with me through my camera and phone, but this was so direct. I still cant explain this. A similar experience happened as i was watching a live stream of Sadhguru.

I cant remember the sequence of all these events, but there was also a time during this period when my art teacher had sent out a message. It was formatted weirdly and i realized the first letter of each line spelled out "i pity the fool". I send a super weird and kinda edgy email back to him about having heard that too many times. Eventually i get contacted by a crisis worker at the university, who tells me she will send me some resources and get me in contact with someone but never does. 

I start going on live streams on a bigo. I just want to connect to the real world. I just want to feel real. People see my tics and assume im on drugs. Well i was on thc but the tics were happening with or without substances. 

Eventually my partner is worried that i have schizophrenia. Im convinced that im experiencing psychosis from DID. But i dont want my partner to worry. I start seeing someone who specializes in did and thought disorders. 

The week before i start seeing him, im out trying to repaint a deck rail. My new puppy gets into the paint accidentally.  I go to start bathing him. As hes getting out and drying off the tics start up again. My head keeps jerking up and it wont stop. Eventually it spreads to my abdomen. I cant stop jerking my body uncontrollably (not the dance, mind you). What the fuck is going on? My whole body is uncontrollably convulsing. Im so warm and i take off my shirt, i go outside to the deck for fresh air and i call 911 eventually saying that i think im having a seizure? Paramedics arrive before too long. Every time i try to relax my body the opposite happens, theres this intense tingling or vibrational energy just permeating my body. I remember feeling it so much in like this ball in the back of my head, around the nape of my neck, and it disperses out to the rest of my body. I retain consciousness and am able to communicate with the paramedics all through out this, it just feels like my body is being totally hijacked. Eventually i get to the ER and they do a brain scan, i dont have any tumors thank god. They end up diagnosing me with Coarse Tremors and schedule me for an EEG, which turned out normal. Well im glad i dont have epilepsy but thats all the answers i got around that experience. 

So the week after that debocle i start seeing my new therapist! Yay.

Ive already written a lot. To cut it short, i saw him for two years. He did help with some stuff but it felt often like he wouldnt believe me when i told him of my experiences, some of which ive described here. At first he thought i had schizophrenia but later he changed his mind, told me to forget about the schizophrenia and i dont have it. He did reconfirm the cptsd diagnosis. And he told me that episode id had was dissociative. We did IFS and met with a lot of my parts. Hed said things like maybe my parts have parts, identified dissociative parts, i was scared they were alters or more than just IFS parts but he said he knew they werent, they were just IFS parts, he knew this because it wasnt a "completely different person in front of me". Although i certainly felt like different people, i had even this stark feeling of going through a curtain after he had been talking with one part and "I" came back. Im currently trying to seek out a second opinion and get a formal assessment for a dissociative disorder (bc my old therapist never did one, never took a history or even looked at my final report, totally ignored or disbelieved all my diagnoses besides ptsd basically, never actually told me his qualifications, and just told me to not take anything anyone ever says or has said about me personally whether positive, negative, or neutral). I just want certainty and clarity. My parts are still around and real. I get that everyone has parts and at this point im quite certain i dont have DID, but i am worried i might have OSDD. im currently in the battle trying to find someone who can assess me but its so goddamn difficult to find anyone!! I lean on bing copilot a lot these days to help me out. I do have a therapist now who specializes in like neurodivergence and trauma but not dissociation. 

Oh and side note after i got formally diagnosed with autism i told my mom, she previously was one of the people who laughed and denied it, telling me i would know if i was. Then after she switched it up to "i always knew you were somewhere on the spectrum"???? And then she later got diagnosed with autism herself lol.

Thats all for now. This was an extremely chaotic and confusing and incoherent experience for me, i cant remember when all these thing happened on a sequential timeline so i apologize if its confusing. Thanks for reading!