a goddamn diary post

there are many things throughout my day that i'd love to record or reflect upon, but the moment i sit down to write a blog post, it's like my mind turns blank. i think it's probably because i am scared of writing a diary post, something incoherent when it comes to it's topics, more important to me  than strangers on the internet. Rosaria taught me about the phenomena of the unseen voyeur recently, and i feel like that's what i am experiencing right now. now that i think about it, i always lacked faith in myself to be interesting enough, but also in others to actually give a damn about anything. i feel like it's a result of my old misantrophic ways with a dash of trauma. i really need to take time to unlearn it and work on my confidence. maybe sit down and actually write out everything i'm feeling.

speaking of working on myself, i have started exercising again! mostly because i've been inactive for long enough that i lost the rest of my strength and stamina, and the thought of it is really scary. as much as i'd love to stay in my bed forever, i'd hate to feel trapped in my own body. and i still want to go on hikes, bike trips and walks, and visit museums. so i started small of course, exercising for a short time about two times a week. a bit by myself, a bit with motivation of ring fit adventure. i really would love to start practicing boxing at some point. i was never allowed to do martial arts as a kid, even though it's been a longtime dream of mine. is it just me or are our early twenties basically made for making our childhood self happy? bit more autonomy, a bit more money and a child's dream are an unstable mix.

in other news i have been getting sick all the time lately. i have no idea if it's a post-covid corpse of an immune system in me, or maybe constant inhalation of second-hand smoke from my indoor-smoking neighbours next door. i think it negatively impacts my health and wellbeing. at first i thought i was just making shit up, but yeah, my clothes in the hallway started smelling like smoke, even if faintly. the air in the hallway quickly becomes unbreathable even if i air out my apartment multiple times a day. ive been having headaches and now recently there is this constant tightness and pain in my chest. it's been happening for years now and knowing that nobody can really forbid my neighbours from smoking in their own home really frustrates me. i wish i had money to move. or at least, i wish people had more sensibility and consideration for other's health. i can't even invite my darling over because of his asthma. imagine staying away from cigarettes only for someone to fuck your lungs up anyway...

i guess i will have to have my window open at all times, even now, in winter. which doesn't help with being sick, but want to at least have oxygen in my own home, since i am spending so much time here. speaking of which, despite staying at home so much, i haven't been doomscrolling much at all. i get bored of it quickly somehow, exen the short video content doesn't do it for me anymore. i've been focusing more on calling with friends, gaming, writing on forums, coding my website and drawing. i feel like my neocities gave me a much needed push to focus on my creative endeavors. i made an email and i've already had someone contacting me there because of my website. i did not expect it at all, i really thought nobody would bother, so i got really happy. despite everyone having their own websites, i feel more connection to people on neocities than anywhere else somehow. also, finding some active forums was a godsend and i really recommend registering on one.

time to wrap it up, despite my mild sickness i am gonna visit my darling and his dad for a birthday celebration. i hope i can manage, lol, wish me luck.