Who am I?

Yo!

I guess I owe y'all a more proper introduction now that I'm more liberated from academic turmoil. Most people just refer to me as Bones, even in daily life, and I'm almost 20 years old. In terms of Identity / Sexuality, I'm non-binary & agender (although I'm unsure if that's an identity? I'm still learning about it honestly. More on that later (i.e. another post)), as well as being pansexual. If I'm being honest, I would have formatted this more so as "What am I?". I can't recall a single moment in my life where I have ever felt 'human', or belonging to the people who surround me. I've always felt keenly artificial to anyone I've ever interacted with and its always felt like I have to form some sort of mental program in line with whomever I'm communicating with. I've never seen myself as being the same as others around me, and not in a superior sense but more so that I'm just... out of place. Quite frankly I have never felt like I've belonged in this time period. Although admittedly, I have found 'belongingness' through others such as past partners, however those times have come and passed. I guess the best place to describe who or what I am is to try and make a detailed list of what I've been through / of my life and the presences surrounding it. I feel like I have been pitied enough times now by a surplus amount of people to feel certified when I say that I have lead quite a shitty and unforgiving life, whether by my own choices or not. Let me start this off by saying this, I see myself as a piece of shit who is living life in hopes of redeeming my past. Although I have done nothing innately wrong nor sinned against no one, I cannot rid myself of the guilt of existing. Allow me to expound upon this with my life:

My parents were 2 mentally ill teenagers who met in middle school, of course then my father was the only near mental one and my mother was still naive. As they grew, my father underwent harsher mental abuse from my grandparents and my mother became increasingly pressured and burdened by my other grandfather. As they grew older, they grew closer ever so lovingly, but also so did what I perceive as their individual toxicities. My father was disillusioned by my mother with the mindset of a romantic but the heart of a lost hope and my mother was in faith of young love but still in fear of the oppressive rule she lived under. Eventually they were separated at some point in late high school but then reunited early into university where they delved back in. According to a semi-unreliable source (my father), they had a long string of abortions, forced by the hand of my grandfather (mother's side) who did not want her having kids. Apparently however, I was the one snuck through until it was too late. When I was actually brought into this world, the umbilical cord  was wrapped around my throat and I was almost gone just from being out for a couple of seconds. Unfortunately they cut me loose and I survived. Both my current therapist and my father would later on remark that "Its almost like you were never meant to be here in the first place!". Those words live in my mind each day, through each action, through each conversation; "Am I supposed to be here? Am I the one supposed to fulfilling this role in the universe?". I unfortunately think I will never be truly satisfied with my existence, and I will never be able to do enough to atone for my mishap of a presence. Depressing, isn't it? After my birth, my mother became extremely depressed and mentally unwell. She was admitted to a psych ward, where after some time and eventually being released, my father has remarked that she was never the same again as she used to be. My parents divorced 2 months after I was born, and my mother retained custody... initially.

Growing up, I was the product of two families that held very interesting histories and would continue into interesting events. Let me set a general premise by saying that my father still regards my mother as his most 'faithful and involved' love, and afterwards regarded every future partner as "something to learn from and then move on".  My mother never retained feelings for my father again and genuinely grew a huge disliking for him. Both my mother and father do not like my grandfather (mom's side), albeit my mother is more obscure about it and doesn't let it on.

Let's begin with my father's side of the family. My father's family's roots stem from my hometown and have been within this location for at least a couple generations (as far as I'm aware). At the time of my birth, I with held a 'standard family model' on my father's side. At the time of my birth, on my father's side I had: 2 Great Grandma's, 1 Grandma, 1 Grandpa, 2 Great Aunts, 1 Aunt, & of course my father. In chronological order, my Great Grandmother on my Grandmother's side, whom of which was the most nominal parental figure to my father, died 2-4 months into my life from cancer. There's not been a single year of my life where my father has said "I wish you could have known her, you two would have gotten along so well, and she would've been so proud of you". Next was one of my Great Aunt's (Grandmother's side), who was hospitalized after an overdose and then proceeded to do it again IN THE HOSPITAL and thus die from it. It will become increasingly apparent that substance abuse & general abuse are fluid problems within my father's side of the family. Next on the chopping block was my other Great Grandmother (Grandfather's side) whom I was never close with to begin with. She had certain... supremist beliefs that made her a bit unlikable, but she was family nonetheless. Then after her was my other Great Aunt (Grandmother's side). She had been handicapped physically since birth and been horribly abused by my Grandmother's family, and then when under my Grandmother's care, my Grandmother herself until her death. I tried looking for her obituary to get more express detail on what disability she had, but my family did not even bother with one. I cannot express the rage I feel in light of this. They have no idea of how much kindness was hidden behind her inability of expression. I guess karma bit back, as soon after my Great Aunt, my Grandmother fell in the span of 2 weeks. She went from doing ultimately well to a rapid decline to diseased, all in 2 weeks. I still remember being in the nursing home during her final days and hearing her scream and yell. She was losing her mind at that point and time, and was reliving the past abuse of her father, my Great Grandfather. I later on found out what he had done to her in alcoholic fits, and I cannot emphasize the sorrow I feel for my Grandmother as she is simply a product of a demented raising. With that, we arrive at the current state of my father's side of the family, albeit a couple developments. My father was diagnosed with Leukemia about 2-3 years ago and has been fighting it since. He, at this point in time, seems to be in the very late stages of remission (i.e. almost cancer free), but is still struggling with the proper meds and chemo. My Aunt had a child, my baby cousin, 2 years ago, and has left me feeling better as I am no longer the sole last blood of my family and have much more freedom to do as I please in terms of lineage sake (choosing whether or not I want kids). My Grandfather also contracted cancer but of the... "down under" variety. He fortunately beat that pretty swiftly, but his health has been waning at a decreasing rate ever since.

Now to address my Mother's side, however I will say with this one that I am much more unsure about the people on this side of my family as I don't talk with them very often. Also because of the sheer quantity of people in that family, I doubt I'll cover everything. The relatives I held on my mother's side at birth were: 2 Grandfathers, 2 Grandmothers , 4 - 5 Uncles (one is a bit of a mystery), 1 cousin, & my mother... as she's necessary for me to be here. The lore associated with this family is much more pristine and well kept hidden in the shadows, but some has slipped through. So far no family member has died on my mother's side, which is honestly quite impressive given how fragile some of them are. The earliest and most notable scandal of that side of the family is my oldest uncle's alcoholic incident. I believe he was just out of high school, but he consumed too much, and ended up committing atrocities to my younger cousin at the time. Although I will add that this story was told to me by my Father and Grandmother (Father's side), so I'm unsure of the validity as my mother's side of the family relatively ignores it. I also cannot find anything through a quick search, so I assume its been covered up to some sorts as I was only allowed to meet this uncle when I turned 18 and he is on so many medications that he is effectively a different person with limited processing power. Ultimately there is not much else in regards to this side of the family. In terms of updates since birth, 2 of my uncles have had kids, so that brings my cousin count on this side to a grand total of 3, and my mother also had a second kid, my half brother, 2 years ago. As a general wrap up for this side of the family, I have always been seen as the bastard child since I was "the child hidden away" and have collectively never fit in. Albeit my Grandmother always treated me with respect and love, as well as my youngest uncle, and I will forever cherish them greatly. Therefore I've always held quite a big distaste for this family and usually was closer with my dads side, as I keep much more tighter relations with them. However I will admit, that my Grandfather on this side of the family said he loved me, and called me his grandson for the first time I can remember in a LONG while... and I still am unsure how I feel about that. 

Now that the family foundations are established- lets begin with me, the main meat of this. In my early raisings, my parents shared joint custody of me (weeks with my mother and every other weekend with my father). My father started (although my mother says she also started this) calling me nightly early at this age, which continued all the way until I graduated high school. In my early years (born - age 8 or 10), my parents never quite had time for me and we're usually busy working, getting degrees through academia, or trying things out with different partners. I find this excusable and hold nothing against them, but my therapist argues this was wrong of them and they should have given me more attention. Ultimately this caused me a very lonely upbringing. The only entertainment / company I had was usually in the form of devices such as gaming consoles or my mother's Ipad, albeit at this age the only 'console' I would be close to having is an Nintendo ds (actually a couple as I broke a lot of them... Sorry mom...). I didn't get my hands on an Xbox till around age 9 or 10. In conjunction with this, I moved to a lot of new places growing up and never kept a steady place in any one school. To give an idea of how many schools I've been too, let me conjure a culminative list up until now, with each new school being represented by a comma. Therefore: Pre-school > 1st Grade, 2nd Grade,(Father gets custody) 3rd Grade > 4th Grade, 5th grade, 6th Grade, 6th Grade > 8th Grade, 9th Grade > 12th Grade, University. Albeit rocky at first, my father did eventually keep me consistent in one county beginning my 6th grade year. While this was nice, I still was severely lacking in terms of relationships with my peers in which they all developed through elementary school. But of course- I'm jumping ahead of myself. When living with my mother, she was very... busy, all the time with school. So when growing up, I was always left to my own devices, whether it be actual devices or toys, my imagination was the limit. In terms of long term effects, this has caused me an excessive feeling of loneliness, severely undeveloped social skills and moral compass, intense habits of isolation and depression, ravenous imagination, and a self awareness tuned more sensitively then anyone I have ever met (more on this later). I quickly learned as I rapidly changed schools that anyone I would talk too would never strictly be worth it because I would be in a new school the next year, and thus I never learned what friendship was from a young age. I am only finding myself learning what it is here and now as I grow closer with my room mates & colleagues... now that I'm almost 20. However this excessive bout of isolation from my generation as they grew socially allowed me a one up on them, I developed maturity at an insane rate compared to the rest of my peers. Before I knew it, I could never escape the cold, dead, hard grasp of being called an "old soul"... This maturity though had much more drawbacks then it did gifts. I developed depression pretty early on, as well as increasingly notable moments of severe anxiety. Let me remind you that I am the devil child of two worse for wear mentally ill individuals, ultimately fated to suffer mentally no matter what path or universe. Thus this development of maturity further made distinctions between me and my peers, and I found myself often unable to relate or be like them. They simple were not... aware enough. I could never understand how my peers were always so closed minded, so definitively... naive. I am aware that this sounds like the development of a god complex- but I promise its not. I know my own limitations, I know I'm a mere mortal... but I also know that I am much, much more aware of everything compared to everyone who surrounds me.

Growing up with people, and trying to fit in, I could not find a unique solutions beneficial to me in which I could relate to others and make favorable connections. Thus, I became a mimicry, and did what I saw fit to mold myself into what others wanted so that I suited there needs better. I never made a definitive personality for myself, nor unique characteristic traits, morals, I was never anybody. When I was around 8, this blissful era of mimicking others and simply keeping to myself with technology came to a swift end as my father regained custody of me. He leveraged the multiple re-locations against my mother and was able to persuade the judge. This portion of my life exposed me to a lot of new scenarios in which I had to rapidly develop. The first instance was that my father had started dating (and later married) someone who already had 4 kids (3 amab & 1 afab). Keep in mind that I was an only child up until this point, so I had to learn how to have siblings in the form of step brothers & a step sister without hesitation. At first I was shy of them, and usually kept to myself, but as I was exposed to them more, I opened up more and more to them and my social skills (or at least being able to engage and hold a conversation) slowly developed. Pretty quickly we all moved in together in a tiny little apartment (3 bedrooms, sister not living with us, 2 boys per room, 1 room for father & gf. That time period was pretty mild except for the period of time where I met my first crush in elementary school, specifically 5th grade. Well... I say first crush, but to be honest with you, I've always had crushes on people since I was in pre-school. There video evidence of me specifically being closer with one girl in pre school than anyone else, and as I look back on my life, I notice this trend until I can conceivably remember. This is where we start to develop a large portion of my personality and mindset. I am what I have come to denote as a Hopeless Romantic. This means that I find attraction to a lot of people in very severe outbursts and tend to daydream about them with no real intention of pursuing or interacting with them (per a large lack of confidence). My first assumption when reading that would be "oh so you stalk them then?" (because I'm skeptical and whimsical like that), and no, I do not. I may have underdeveloped and sometimes even lacking morals / humane traits, but stalking others makes me feel icky & gross, and I just... genuinely hate it as it ties into obsessive behavior that I'll go into later. When characterizing myself under this umbrella, I also mean that if I do inevitably get a partner, I give everything for them, and their happiness. Ultimately my goal becomes to do whatever I can to make their life any chance of being better and giving them all my care and support. Through recent experiences, I am now more aware of how overbearing this can be sometimes, as well as not good for my health as if I delve too far, I slowly start to sacrifice everything of my being. Fortunately with these realizations, I have been growing and finding more healthy, sustainable ways to be a better partner for when I do eventually find my one, or so forth my next partner. I.e. I still want to maintain the goal of making their life better, but in a more healthy way that also allows them room to breathe and not be suffocated by my wanton care and constant need for attention & confirmation. However- I am once again getting ahead of myself.

Around 5th grade is when I actually bit the bullet, and asked my crush out. Now of course, everyone knows that relationships don't really count in elementary school and early middle school. From this experience, I developed a structure esc of what a relationship should be, but ultimately I was too young to grasp the full concept, and it was genuinely just a "best best friends" scenario. BUT, there was one main take away from this interaction. Whether intentional or unintentional, they learned how to develop and manipulate jealousy within me. This is where the roots of my Jealous & Obsessive behavior delve from, something I did not realize was existing until about roughly a year ago. Because of my lack of self worth, moral compass, and humane traits... this addition to my personality and mindset was dangerous, and something that caused quite a lot of turmoil within my life. Not only was this used against me for benefit of the other party, but it spiked my depression & anxiety monumentally, and caused me to mature even more rapidly. In the end, I they ended up breaking up with me for what seemed like "attention seeking" purposes, but were left unsatisfied as I felt nothing when they left. At this point in time, I was starting out in the middle school that I would go all the way through, and eventually develop my fundamental friend group(s). At first I was in a group of all female peers. This, of course, was terrible for me because I developed a crush on so so so many of them. Although I would eventually get over the romantic feelings, they still would linger in the back of my mind for a long while. From this group, I gained one life long friend who I would never trade for anything in this world. She is my one constant in life, and has been my rock through everything (although sometimes ripping my ears off when I've been insanely stupid. I say 1 from this group as drama developed (as it always does between pubescent friends in middle school) and only she and I remained benefactors afterwards. The rest of the group were ultimately fractured as several become quite nasty people... or maybe the always innately were. From here, around 7th grade I would become close friends with another female  friend (you guessed it, crush again, ya-hoo) whom of which would induct me into her tiny friend group with a man who would become my second life long friend. This man has been with me through thick and thin, and we have done so much stupid shit together. He is genuinely, one of my closest, deepest, and most well trusted comrades, and I could never repay him for everything he has ever done for me. Throughout Highschool, these were the two constant friends I maintained. However, I'm once again getting ahead of myself. From the end of middle school until the end of my freshman year of university, I experienced the most scarring period of my life so far.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~[TW: SA, DRUG ABUSE, PREG, SUICIDE]~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Near the end of middle school, I became quite obsessed with the app "Musically", which later became the famously wide known and apparently soon to be shut down app, Tiktok. I spent countless hours on this app, making cringey lip syncing videos, art displays, & a whole assortment of weird pre-teen what not. From this, I genuinely did begin to gain a following on the app and became acquainted with an assortment of people, largely a wide number of artists & furries as that was what I was largely exposed too back then. Notably a person, who I will deem as 'E', became an apparent... fan of mine, which is odd to write since we were all generally 12 or 13 and just being stupid kids online. At first I ignored them because they were a nuisance to me, but over time, we grew a small community of artists and we began to talk more and more. Over time, we both developed feelings and begun dating. This, this became my personal hell. I cannot stress to you enough, my reader, how close to human filth this made me feel. Over 6 years, 6 long, stressful, draining years, I watch this girl slowly rot and lose her mind. When we started dating, her family was going through a stressful period, and I believe her grandfather begun to drink. Thus, in order to cope, she begun doing drugs in increasingly severe amounts. Over time, as she survived overdose after overdose, she began to think she was immortal, and only climbed higher and higher. Every day, I sat, and watched as she poisoned herself, and I had to take care of her, and beg her not to do more. EVERY DAY I had to keep the current love of my life alive and sane. Multiple points she ended up in mental wards, and I was told in express detail what they were like. One day she had a seizure from taking too much drugs and fell down the stairs. Her friends waned in and out, and as she lost her mind over time, she began to make progressively worse life choices despite my warnings. Because of loneliness, she made friends with increasingly questionable people, guys who... were desperate for anything, and willing to do whatever it took. I don't know why I didn't leave... I don't know why I couldn't, but eventually it reached a climax. One day she went to school , high as usual, but one of the sketchy friends she made took advantage of the situation and trapped her in a janitors closet, were he assaulted her. Even though he did this to her, the lowest fucking thing you could ever do to any body, THE EMPITOME OF BEING THE SHITTIEST HUMAN BEING ON THIS PLANET, she still went back to him through the mental state that is stockholm syndrome. It was only months later, in the finals week of my freshman fall quarter of university that I found out about this. For note taking sake, this is also when my Grandmother died. Weeks later she informed me that she was pregnant. I cannot relay to you how, how chaotically tearing this was. It felt like my very being was being ripped to shreds and I just had to sit through the pain. I wasn't ready to be a father! I couldn't raise a kid... I just began University! None of my friends (albeit they were my online friends) would support me, they all said I was responsible. I felt so incredibly and entirely lost. You can never forget what its like to see what a young girl looks like pregnant on video call, especially when it wasn't something she wanted.  I WASN'T READY FOR EVEN MORE RESPONSIBILITY AFTER 6 YEARS. I'M ONLY A KID... but so was she, and I struggle with putting myself in front of others. I tried for months to bargain with her, and I said something that I can never take back, and that I despise myself for to this day. "The baby, or me, you have to choose, you cannot have both". Do you understand how damning that ultimatum must have been for her? And yet I still had the gull to fucking say it. Absolutely. Fucking. Revolting. Ultimately, things only got worse from there as she never gave me a solid answer and I started becoming even more depressed and anxious, to the point where I was having severe anxiety attacks, to the point where I became for the first time in my life, suicidal. Eventually I decided that I could not handle this anymore, as I would ultimately do something I would regret, so after weeks of building up the will power and courage, I broke up with her and blocked her on everything. To this day, her words still scar me and my dreams; "So you're just going to leave me here on the side of the road and abandon me?"... as well as "I'm scared". I cannot describe the guilt I feel to you. You cannot feasibly understand how heavy the guilt is that I bear. I do not mean this in a contesting way, but more so as that I took this to heart more so than I think any other sane person would. I've gotten little updates every now and then from my HS BFF who sometimes keeps me in the loop. She's had the kid for a while now, and is in another relationship, but she's still doing drugs and posting on social media about me, as well as stalking my socials such as my duolingo. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For weeks, it took me time to recover and try to learn to live with my guilt. It was so intrinsically suffocating that I could barely operate on a day to day basis. I also had pushed all my friends & colleagues away, and segregated myself to my room for months on end. Keep in mind that I was working 12 - 16 hours a week as a dish washer since early fall (and this was late winter), with a rigorous academic course load. The responsibility on my shoulders was so incredibly heavy, and I was suffocating under the weight. But a couple months later... that's when I met him.

It was almost perfect timing as I found myself at wits end. I still keenly remember every interaction between us, as I forgive, but do not forget. I cannot forget a single thing in my life, no matter how hard I try. We initially started talking about music, and then as we talked more and more, things began to just keep clicking, and we took off from there. Inevitably I later found out that this is just his personality, as he molds his persona to the person to make the attachment faster and then leave when he loses interest, but for some reason, I was able to captivate him for a little longer. I'm curious as to what led to him having faith in me, perhaps it was my awareness, or the essay I wrote for him, but he appeared to have slightly fallen for me. Although unsure, after a couple essays of declaration, we held a shakey and unofficial, but certain relationship. This was... a shaky period for me admittedly. I was not the best partner for him that I could have been, and I was actively working on myself while with him. There were several moments where I feel like I failed on him in fits of anxiety and depression that he did not deserve to have to deal with. The main thing I believe is that he did not know, nor understand love, and so I would teach it to him. Although there were moments of strain most certainly, as not everything can be golden all the time, those were genuinely the happiest couple of months of my life. This was the first time I got to have a partner physically, and in person, and I cannot express how livid just the feeling of touch made me, to be able to hold his hand and hug him, to tell him how much I loved him to his face, it was elegant and ecstatic in one whole masterpiece. Although I speak this on my behalf, I cannot speak for his as I have come to understand that I am not him, and I do not understand his thoughts all the time as I often said to him I did. In retrospect... I bet that was actually pretty annoying to have someone assume they knew you all the time. But, as divine karma has always struck me since I was born, we broke up into the start of my sophomore year. Still his words linger in my skull every day, and once again I reiterate, I have not forgotten a single moment with him. Its weird, because I still remember every little thing about him, and see it every where in my day to day life. "I do not regret anything with you" as well as "There is nothing wrong with you". When it came to this relationship, I took on the guilt of the account that I told him we could be friends if we ever didn't work out...but I just couldn't. I knew he needed a friend who would take their time to understand him and be genuine to him without falling head over heels for him, and I just, could not serve that role. I would only have been a weight, and a stale reminder in his life, and I think about that still to this day 5 months later. At first it was severely hard as I just wanted to be with him as I gave him a piece of my heart and truly did / do love him, but over time I learned that he will be most happy if I just let him be. All in all, there is nothing more I can wish for than good fortune in his health and luck in sailing through life. Albeit I may not agree with the things he believes, nor am I ok with the things he told me that turned out to be untrue, but its not my place to inflict those upon his world. I have my own, and he has his. Although I still think about him on a daily basis, and most definitely still have feelings for him, my mother told me "You never truly stop loving your first love". Ultimately... I just hope for the best, and that he is living and creating a life he can be happy with, and proud of. I will also add that I tend to write a deeper analysis on this whole... debacle of my life on a later date- but this is the summed up version for now. As a whole, this experience helped save me from a time where I was near death, and gave me someone to look after and care for that I could truly give my love and affection for. This shaped my romanticism ideals into more stable, and healthy ones, and gave me more of a view on what a relationship should look and be like. I do not regret a single moment I spent with him, and I will never forget a single detail.

Of course, as one does when summing up their life, I left out / forgot some minor details that may give more context into who I am. As of this point in time, I'm aware that I have severe anxiety and have been battling it for over a decade. I used to be so fearful of being punished for bad grades (because my video games & electronics would be taken away and they were my only coping mechanism) that I would suffer from anxious panic attacks if my grades weren't A's, which led me to me being a straight A student in high school and becoming valedictorian. I have suffered from night terrors all my life and have largely every known sleeping problem to humankind. I have now been clinically diagnosed with severe depression. I do not believe in gender roles, which means that if someone tells me their preferred pronouns, I'm almost guaranteed to never mess up on them because I do not associate pronouns with appearance. I'm agnostic and currently hold no belief in any religion nor detest any religion. Kind of an odd ball, but I am severely lonely, yet self isolate. I hold no innate self confidence and will always see everyone else above me, as I will always have something I can learn from anyone I ever have and will meet. I write essays like this everyday in my head, and I have for years. Its really nice to finally have an outlet to genuinely display them on. Although my romanticism has sparked up again, and I now feel ready to date for the first time in a while, I do not feel the urge to actually approach anyone or initiate any kind of relationship. Admittedly part of me is still stuck on him (although I fully know he has no interest in me and I have no intention to be with again as a result of his no interest) and it would not be fair to someone to give them half my heart. Another aspect of this is that I feel... almost scared in asking someone else out, as in I'm afraid of making the wrong choice. Over time I've been slowly defining my type (which is surprisingly hard when you're pan believe it or not), but I slowly began to realize that its not appearance related and more so personality hinged. But, the safest route for me is to just wait until I can ultimately fix myself so that I can be more sincere as well as allow someone else to potentially approach me (highly unlikely in my mind, but lord knows). All in all, I am a romanticist at heart, and I don't think I ever will not be. Its a burden when focused on people... but my, when I am able to focus my romanticism on something like my hobbies or nature... its quite expressedly nothing short of angelical. I will note that I definitely did not cover my entire life in this short essay, and if you would ever like to talk about this, or anything, please by all means contact me! I love talking with people ^^.

So, this kind of brings me to current me. Over the past 5 months I have been undergoing severe rework of my state of being. To list a couple of accomplishments I've done since then: Been doing therapy for a while now, I have found value in my friends and have come to appreciate them more than I can ever express, I have found value in living and the work I do, I have found purpose so that I may have a goal to work towards too career wise, I have refound and deep dived back into all my hobbies and likes, I have found my lost ambition again and now want to explore and do so many new things, and ultimately I have been working on myself to try and become someone that I can be proud of when I lay on my deathbed. I want to be able to tell my life story with pride when I die, and every day is another step towards that goal. I may have / had obsessive and jealous traits, I may struggle to understand others pain and troubles, I may falter in my civil duty to others as a friend and comrade, I may fail in my duty as a human in our society, I may fail in my duty as a sibling and child, but I'm doing better each day. Each day I'm learning and improving myself so I can be pinnacle monarch I've always dreamed of being. I will do anything for these people, anything for my friends, and I can say that with pride now instead of with a mask on. I will do my part in this world, and I will make change. 

I'm just a midwestern kid who aims to become a Monarch of the Sun.

Arrivederci.