Have You Met You?

This week has been really hard. I’ve made a lot of mistakes at work and I’ve just been feeling really confused in general.

I was tasked with updating a bunch of articles at work and one of them did not update properly, resulting in the person reviewing then to get really shitty with me stating that mine was the only one that was “blatantly wrong”. 

Another coworker came over and was talking about promoting. He was talking about going back to school and that he has a one year old and a 6 year old. I just finished my MBA. I was trying to tell him it’s not worth the time away from your child, but he took it as “work harder” and got shitty with me. I have been sick since Christmas Eve, it’s now January 10th. I think it may have just been my voice because I am sick, but it made me sad. He cut off the conversation and ran. 

Then I had two coworkers come over about a ticket. We enter an internal and an external ticket. The ticket was the result of an email with at least 50 forwards. Only one of the forwards had the customers role and contact information. I didn’t see it in the mix of things and had a superior on the ticket point out that the members contact information was indeed there. I looked like a total idiot. 

Finally, and what hurts the most… 

C was describing peoples roles at work. He labeled me as the “outsider”. Then, I had been having an off week. He's been trying to get me pregnant. He changed his mind because I am off of my medication and bugging him. He hit me with “have you met you??”, like I’m some super annoying just grotesque waste of a human being. Im pretty sure I am pregnant. I had to fight back my tears on the spot because it was so insensitive and really hurt me. He rolled me over and f*cked me to, in his own words “make sure we’re good”. He asked if I was upset and I said I was annoyed, but I’ll be okay. 

He’s completely changed his mind about me. I’m not good enough anymore. He’s been all nice about things since, but if you can’t handle a woman before she’s pregnant, there’s no way you can handle her when she’s all hormonal and emotional. 

I just feel like a waste of space. My poor health and neurological problems make me slow and easily mixed up. I have zero confidence right now, and now I might be pregnant by a guy who actually probably hates me. At the very least, is too weak to handle me even when I’m really chill. I’ll know for sure in a week if I’m pregnant. At this point I just hope I’m not. He rejected me pretty hard. Maybe we will find our way back, but I just don’t think it’s fair to tone down who I am for a man, especially one who now doesn’t want my baby and just wants me back on my meds. Shit just makes no sense.