HEALING

There was a time, before I began my “healing journey”, where I was convinced that being well was not in my cards. And as a poet, this may be partially true, but as a yearning person I still hoped for this wellness. 

I remember sitting on my bathroom floor, back against the door, thinking, “Who I am is someone that is unhappy.” I was sure that who I was, was my pain. My identity, my sense of self, was so important to me. I thought that if I healed the pain away, then I wouldn’t be me anymore. Ironically, I had been far off when it came to knowing myself, at least on the surface. I didn’t want to “get better” because I felt I would lose myself.

It wasn’t until I was on the verge of actually losing my self (/mind) that I decided I was fed up. Fed up with myself, fed up with the life I led myself to live. I couldn’t bear to live the way I was anymore. I decided that I was ready to give myself up, just to be happy. I would rather be someone else than be as miserable as I was. So I went to therapy. So I looked at my life and determined what had to change before I could be happy. At the time, that meant doing what I wanted to do. It meant finally abandoning the love I hoped to nurture into life. It wasn’t until I let myself go that I learned who I was. And who I am is someone that looks best smiling, who laughs because it’s easy. I’m bold and love being looked at, worshipped. And I’m good at it. And I have just enough pain left over to make something with. 

Tl;dr- I didn’t want to get better because I thought I wouldn’t be “me” anymore. One day I was so over hating myself that I went to therapy and began shadow work. I became happier and braver and more myself than ever.