Daddy Issues

Maybe it's pathetic to come onto spacehey to dump my trauma on here, but it's my blog and I can post what I want. And maybe there are some people here who will read this and can relate. We can all have a little group therapy session lol. 

When I was about nine years old, my parents got divorced. I was upset at the time, but it was definitely a good thing that it happened. My dad had moved out and got his own apartment in town. My older brother and I would visit on the weekends. My dad even ended up getting a girlfriend before the divorce was even final. 

Before my dad had a girlfriend, my brother and I had our own rooms in his apartment. It was nice. I had even considered decorating my room. However, when he got a girlfriend, she had moved in with her two daughters. From then on, my brother and I's rooms were now their rooms. I had to share a room with the annoying four year old girl, and my brother had to sleep in the creepy attic. It was upsetting. Kinda gave me the feeling that I was being replaced. Little did I know that that feeling would become much stronger later on.

When I was about 10, my dad had rejoined the army and was stationed in New Mexico (I live up north, so New Mexico is very far from me). Then later on he just decided to move to Texas for the rest of his life. He met a new woman. They lived together and eventually had a little boy together. As someone who had always been the youngest, I was excited to get a little brother because I always wanted to be a big sister. But, it's not really exciting being a big sister when your little brother lives all the way in another state. 

When I was 11, my older brother and I got to fly out to Texas and stay with my dad and them for a few weeks. It was pretty fun, although his then-girlfriend's daughter was pretty annoying. 

Since then, I've only seen my dad three other times when he's come up to visit. He came up for my brother's graduation, my graduation, and one Christmas. I'm 23 now, and I've only seen my dad 4 times since he moved away. I never had my dad for any events in my life. Musicals, marching band, prom, nothing. He's missed out on so much of his children's lives because he decided to move away and start a new family.

He finally got married three or four years ago to a different woman. I've only met her twice, but she's really nice. 

It just sucks seeing that my dad has pretty much replaced my brother and I. Even if my dad doesn't view it that way, I do. I don't know if my brother views it that way. I think he tries not to care too much. I'll see pictures my dad posts on Facebook of him playing board games with my little brother and step sister, and doing other fun things. I can't help but feel robbed of that. I don't feel resentment towards the kids, don't worry. Just towards my dad. And now he's a pastor. He's not a main pastor. He doesn't have the credentials for that. I think he's Catholic now. I have nothing against Catholics. Catholicism is just not for me. Too many ceremonies and rituals and stuff like that. My dad should not be a pastor, though. Y'all wouldn't believe the argument I had on Facebook with that man about gay people. My older brother is literally gay, which my dad knows that, but all of a sudden homosexuality is harmful and stuff. Basically called gay people p*dofiles. I don't know what type of red pill my dad has swallowed, but it does make me worry for my little siblings.

My dad and stepmom homeschool my little siblings. Not because they're worried about them getting shot or because the American school system kinda sucks and doesn't really teach you things you need to know. They are homeschooling my little siblings because they don't want their kids being brainwashed into "woke" teachings or whatever. Y'all are literally in Texas. What type of woke things do you think are being taught in Texas schools? To be nice and respectful to gay people? Is that too woke for you? Are you afraid of your kids being taught about pronouns in English class? Get a grip on reality!! It's good to be around people who think differently instead of being in a constant echo chamber.

My dad doesn't keep in touch with me, either. Once he moved to Texas, he didn't prioritize keeping in touch with my brother and I. He sent me a message on Facebook last month basically saying, "Hey, I know I suck at keeping in touch. I just want you to know that I love you and I think about you all the time." Then maybe shoot me a text when you think about me. Just saying. I told him that I had bought concert tickets recently, but I didn't tell him who I was seeing because I wanted to see if he would ask. He didn't. I dunno. Usually when someone tells me they bought concert tickets, I ask them who they're gonna go see. Even if they have different taste in music from me and I don't know the artists they listen to. I'll still ask because it's the nice thing to do and I want to show that I care. But, my dad didn't ask, and that just shows me that he doesn't really care. He doesn't care about my interests, and he doesn't really want to get to know me. He knows I like Kpop, but I'm sure he's not interested in learning about my interest in Kpop. 

Honestly, I don't really even know my dad, either. I know some of his interests from what he posts on Facebook. I also know that him and I have very different views on certain topics. Other than that, he's a stranger to me. It's his fault, though. Yeah, I'm an adult now and can try to make an effort, too. I have, but I see no point in trying, because he's not going to give the effort back. He doesn't even call me to wish me a happy birthday anymore. Last year all he did was put a happy birthday post on my Facebook page and called it a day. 

I'll probably see my dad again when I get married, whenever that will be. He's not walking me down the aisle, though. You have to earn that spot. My mom will walk me down. She's been with me through everything. She deserves to walk me down the aisle. 

Thanks for reading my little trauma dump if you made it this far. I probably won't keep this up forever, but it's nice to put my thoughts out there.