says she's close to understanding jesus

10/01/25

and in the choir i saw a sad messiah 

i think i see it differently. i think if i were to read it again now, i would understand his anger and why he threw those tables up and why people got hurt. i think that maybe sometimes a religious experience isn't a single moment, it's months of learning, longer even. that's why you don't notice. it could all be over soon. now it's a choice. on how to act, not how to feel. you're better than this 

i'm gonna stay 18 forever, so we can stay like this forever 

so that's it. it happened. and i'm still alive and kicking. and it doesn't feel real but it doesn't feel wrong. 

i'm going to leave soon and when i come back everything will different in a way that isn't normal. day by day you see the ground aging but if you are gone for too long you won't realise that the dust that clings is the same that used to cover your knees only now, lifeless. 

nothing feels real and yet i'm more grounded than usual. i'm not trying to run away. doesn't mean i'm not afraid, just that i'm accepting. maybe more prepared. 

hope you're all ok

yours, miss black eyeliner