Bojack… Horseman ofcourse

So to be honest I already wrote on this topic but everything got deleted, but maybe this is a blessing in disguise, this time i will make sure i will write it correctly and directly to my heart. I genuinely have no clue if everyone will get this subject, but i do so that’s everything that matters.

I’m gonna get straight into it, I’m going to jump from love instantly to depression, two polar opposites, or how i see it, cause and effect, since love never lasts forever for some reason, i have no clue if i was born in the wrong generation, actually no. I am the problem, everything that goes wrong always started with my choices, the only reason the girl i still love and will forever love is with another guy, is just because i let her, I could’ve expressed my feelings for her but to be honest i was way too afraid. And then ofcourse, we also have the only person that ever loved me unconditionally, the way i f**ked that up was on a astronomical level, i really did myself wrong there, even ten minutes after the decision, I already acknowledged how much i screwed myself, that must’ve been my dumbest decision i’ve ever made. Now i am finally allowed to love someone that much and I do but either she doesn’t want to see it, or she doesn’t want to do anything with it, which is all completely okay, it only hurts me, but as long as she doesn’t get hurt my pain doesn’t matter.

The subject of this blog obviously refers to Bojack Horseman, a show that somehow really comforted me, my depression always came from the fact that no matter how much i try to change, no matter how much good i do, i will always remain a curse, a sickness, something you want to rid off as soon as possible. The way i try to do good and fail miserably every single time has to have caught a record at some point, recently i have tried to be better to people but it’s so hard and it just drives me more into my depression, since i know it’s against what i normally do, but they don’t have a clue how hard it is for me, and sometimes i just long for them to sometimes tell me I’m doing good, I’m just sat there: “Tell me that I’m a good person, please tell me I’m a good person.” And yet that is where it ends, i long for it and that is where i went wrong, from my experience, the more you long, the less you eventually end up with, this is also why i gave up on love, if I don’t long for it, there is the slight, slightest chance she will someday actually get the same feelings for me, but hey who am i to say. Overall, I don’t know if i talked about this in the last blog, but i am poison, I get inside your life, and then ruin it from the inside out, trust me, it’s really not that it’s my plan or anything, but its just unavoidable, it has happened so many times and cost people so many and especially so much time. I already know, the people that stay with me longer or people that i do actually care about will eventually be hurt the most, and I want them to know that, but what do i do? Go up to them and say “Hey, please leave my life, not because i don’t like you but because i will hurt you.” Without it sounding like a threat, I really don’t want people finding out by theirselves, but i also don’t want to tell them.

If anyone relates, you can always check out my tiktok: zweetjesxdness (no motivation tt)

Not to be selfish, and its not the woke way to say it, but as far as I’m concerned I am the one that has been hurt the most by my choices and my actions, but what can you do about that, all i can see is that every bad choice made by me actually piled up on me, but I just can’t stop thinking about every individual that I’ve hurt. What I said there was a lie if I have to be completely honest i cannot remember everyone I’ve ever hurt, simply because it’s too much, if i were to see a compilation of everyone after I’ve hurt them, I genuinely, and I say this from the bottom of my heart, i think I’d commit suicide in the first attempt i get, I would not be able to live with myself if i were reminded of all of them at once. I don’t even know if i am able to live with myself as it is now, but guess we’ll see haha.

By the way i do believe in change, just not for me anymore, I don’t believe in deep down, I believe in actions, and since my actions despite their intentions have shown me what i need to know, i can comfortably say, I won’t change, but for whoever needs it, I believe that you will!

Krystal.