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After I got into the foster home system I have been noticing how I feel about situations or how I react to them. I think it's been happening even when I did live back w me Mom. I feel nothing during happy moments but still try to react happy. For example, during Christmas while we were opening gifts I felt nothing, I just wanted to sit down and open the gifts silently, I felt so empty, like when you haven't eaten and can feel you empty stomach but instead of my stomach, it was in my chest. I showed gratitude because I actually loved the gifts, but then I started feeling guilty because I wanted to get my foster parents a gift but I had been busy with school and I don't work yet. Even at my sister's, I've been asking for a camera for MONTHS! And I got it! I swear I love that thing to death in so grateful for the time and money my older sister spent on me, but as I unwrapped the gift I felt so empty again but she was recording and I didn't want to make her sad. I really wanted to show my appreciation, so I hugged her but when I did I just stared blankly at the wall before going back to unboxing the camera. Or like this week, I really wasn't feeling anything, I was feeling empty and I was just telling my friends that I was doing good or that I was frustrated cause I really didn't know what to say and recently I feel so dry with my friends but I don't want us to stop talking and hanging out, I really care for them and love them and I don't want them thinking that I don't want to be their friend anymore. I try to not keep our conversation set but anything I say just feels like I am making it worse. I don't know what to do with myself. But if it's about being sad or grief it's always so heavy, Idk how to explain it, and it always got myself and nobody else and it makes me feel even more horrible because when my friends or family are sad I don't feel nothing for them but I want to. I want to feel sadness for my friends but I don't. It's driving me crazy. I think. Another thing is my eating habits are getting bad but I want to fix them. At first it was just a few days of lost appetite and then a few days of eating to much food, I tried to get back to eating normally but since we got to school I have started refusing to eat because anything i eat just taste disgusting and it makes me feel nauseous and sick and like I wanna throw up. plan on telling my sister and foster mom because I really want to understand why I am this way, I want to know that I'm doing something wrong without knowing. I want to know what's wrong with me, I want to be better.
-Babydoll
Thursday-8:43PM. January-09-2025.
Thank you for listening to my rant tonight (Feedback would be appreciated)
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I really want to know why students in my school get so mad over topics like LGBT+ or something related to mental health. we were watching something about how teenage mind work and there was this LGBT+ influencer who was in drag. They danced in the pride parade when they were a child and you know what I heard from three classmates. 'If my child did that I would beat his ass' 'I would just put him up for adoption' and stuff like that and it made me frown. I understand that not all of us have the same opinions on things but say that you will abandon your child or beat your child for expressing themselves in a way is just sad to me. There are already many children who suffer in the hands of their guardians and I know many who are, and I try to help them but hearing my classmates say stuff like that makes me lose hope in them. It's not the first time I've heard classmates of mine talking like this, it's just very disappointing. Another thing is mental health. I remember when I was in 8th grade. I was not doing well mentally. This girl asked me 'Are you S----l?' i responded yes and they just said it out loud to the classroom while i was walking up to get a paper after that this girl made a disgusted look at me and told me to get away. that made me feel bad. it really hurt. I'm doing better now but hearing my classmates talk like that is eating my up in inside and I felt like I had to say something but I kept my mouth shut.
-Babydoll
Wensday-1:25PM. January-15-2025
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Every time I read anything about love or anything related to romance I always feel a big hole that goes from my chest to my stomach and it slightly hurts. So I just sit there on my phone and tears just start coming out but I do not react but then I just keep reading cause I'm so used to the feeling. Have you guys felt like this before????????
-Babydoll
Friday-8:59AM. January-17-2025
Thank you for listening to my rant tonight (Feedback would be appreciated)
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Comments
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Sentasaturn
I totally get that man. I get the empty feeling where everything's not the same anymore, but sadly its a part of growing up. sometimes I just cant feel empathy or much happiness for someone else no matter how hard I try. I still trust that you care, but you don't have to be overly emotional too. Going into a foster system is really hard, and you need to be easy on yourself. Sometimes its so hard to express something even if you really care. Im here for you if you need to talk. :)
im2kool
friend I don't know what's going on in your life but it will get better soon.I hope you start to feel a bit more better it's normal to feel that way after something has happened. And you have people that care and love you so they'll understand or make the effort to
stay safe <33
Lake
Hey, Your gonna be okay. You are just going through a tough time right now and what your feeling is extremely normal. You know i have depression and people with depression usually get really sad around the winter time thats why i am more apt to cry. With your case you are having a different kind of depression. Your gonna be okay pookie this is normal <3